Goin Crazy

barcelona

2006-12-28T20:19:00.000+08:00

heyllo peeps....

im fine after my op hahakz

am havin fu dun worry =))

enjoyin myself.. as well as i did club yayness!! hahakz

bhangra nite was superr duperr fun omg.. can u believe it?? i did dance!! but of coz i was careful dudes.. i took extra dose of painkiller somemore haha... but i had a blast of a time... n i cant wait to go on new yr eve too!!!

omg!!!!!!!!!!! save me frm thissssss yayness haha

went to barcelona (at robertson walk)... i enjoyed clubbin...

but the club was effing hot haha.. but was happenin!!!

thnk euu djs!@

sonia on top
devia.me.prema

dimple.me

nikki.me

wwatevaa

2006-12-16T03:01:00.000+08:00

Well, I dont realli haf much to blog about now...

BUT...

Why do I get the feeling that you still do? I'm not much bothered about it.. yet I wonder why? I know its true... Thank you for taking care of me well enough until I'm not able to take proper care of myself. You made me used to it in the past. Now, I'm still wondering if it's true. I dunno whether it's still there for me. But i guess it shouldnt had been the way it was for the past so many months. Thoughts were there.. yes they were,,, u asked me.. n here's your answer --- I realli dunno...

Remove me from this mess pls.. it's really driving me nuts..

oh yes, vinit, i hate u.. i realli do.. neva expected u to b doin wat u haf done... anyway... f it

am i realli? i had a great time wit u the other day.. but im juz wonderin.. wherz the past gone to? how come i feel that u've been goin further n further away frm me? i did gif u reason why i said no... but im juz not hoping on one anymore.. i hope so.. i wish.. i hope u still do... i neva imagined that u still did.. n u waited super long.. n u r still waiting.. help me get out of this mess before i make a choice.. pls.. its drivin me nuts...

Did you mean it? Do you still mean it now?... And why this?...

(bebasi dard kaa aalam, tum mujhe de do apne ghum
khaamoshiyaan bhi do, tanhaaiyaan bhi do
bechaaniyaa bhi de do, de do naa)

(bhigi palkon se churaa lungaa nami
rehane dungaa naa, khahin koi kami)
tumko daaman naa bhigone dungaa
ab kabhi tumko naa rone dungaa
uljhane ghum ki parchhaiye
de do mujhe apni tanhaaiyaan
gumnamiyaan bhi do, naakaamiyaan bhi do
viraaniyaan bhi de do, de do naa

(tere hotho pe sajaa dungaa hansi
teri raahon mein bhichhaa dungaa khushi)
tum mujhe apnaa maanti ho agar
yu khafaa hoke naa jhukaao nazar
mushkile apni majburi
ho de do mujhe sari benuri
pareshaaniyaaa bhi do, hairaaniyaa bhi do
nhigebaaniyaa bhi de do, de do naa

bebasi dard kaa aalam, tum mujhe de do apne ghum
khaamoshiyaan bhi do, tanhaaiyaan bhi do,
bechaniyaa bhi de do

wateva haha

2006-12-16T02:31:00.000+08:00

Well, I dont realli haf much to blog about now...

Why do I get the feeling that you still do? I'm not much bothered about it.. yet I wonder why? I know its true... Thank you for taking care of me well enough until I'm not able to take proper care of myself. You made me used to it in the past. Now, I'm still wondering if it's true. I dunno whether it's still there for me. But i guess it shouldnt had been the way it was for the past so many months. Thoughts were there.. yes they were,,, u asked me.. n here's your answer --- I realli dunno...

Remove me from this mess pls.. it's really driving me nuts..

dhoom machale!!!!!!!!!!!

2 tutus =))

2 tutus

one tutu

oh yes, vinit, i hate u.. i realli do.. neva expected u to b doin wat u haf done... anyway... f it

am i realli? i had a great time wit u the other day.. but im juz wonderin.. wherz the past gone to? how come i feel that u've been goin further n further away frm me? i did gif u reason why i said no... but im juz not hoping on one anymore.. i hope so.. i wish.. i hope u still do... i neva imagined that u still did.. n u waited super long.. n u r still waiting.. help me get out of this mess before i make a choice.. pls.. its drivin me nuts...

Did you mean it? Do you still mean it now?... And why this?...

(bebasi dard kaa aalam, tum mujhe de do apne ghum
khaamoshiyaan bhi do, tanhaaiyaan bhi do
bechaaniyaa bhi de do, de do naa)

(bhigi palkon se churaa lungaa nami
rehane dungaa naa, khahin koi kami)
tumko daaman naa bhigone dungaa
ab kabhi tumko naa rone dungaa
uljhane ghum ki parchhaiye
de do mujhe apni tanhaaiyaan
gumnamiyaan bhi do, naakaamiyaan bhi do
viraaniyaan bhi de do, de do naa

(tere hotho pe sajaa dungaa hansi
teri raahon mein bhichhaa dungaa khushi)
tum mujhe apnaa maanti ho agar
yu khafaa hoke naa jhukaao nazar
mushkile apni majburi
ho de do mujhe sari benuri
pareshaaniyaaa bhi do, hairaaniyaa bhi do
nhigebaaniyaa bhi de do, de do naa

bebasi dard kaa aalam, tum mujhe de do apne ghum
khaamoshiyaan bhi do, tanhaaiyaan bhi do,
bechaniyaa bhi de do

2006-12-03T22:20:00.000+08:00

What makes a true friend is not the present they give,
Or the gifts they take.
But the way they help you live,
And what decisions they do make.

For a true friend comes to your aid,
When times are just plain tough.
And makes sure your not about to fade,
Once you had quite enough.

And true friends support your most controversial decisions,
Sparing you of hurtful implies.
And remind of your most sought out visions,
A warm, and comforting surprise.

Though what makes a true friend is the simplest feeling of all,
Said through words or actions or song.
That is the feeling that makes you not so small,
The feeling that you belong.

Btw, ive been camwhoring a lotttt

check out the pics ---

priya.me.yani

me.priya

priya.me.michelle

yani.me.siti.nuwul

siti.yani.me

yani.me.nuwul

tutus

tutus

3 tutus in rp

hyena.me

i.was.bored...btw.. my baby pics hehe

sal made 4 me... hahakz

holidays startin soon.. wish u all HAppy Holz... =)

umrao jaan

2006-11-11T22:37:00.000+08:00

I watched the movie - Umrao Jaan - today with mom.. The movie really made me cry.. Lead actress (aishwarya rai) and lead actor (abhishek bacchan)

I lovee abhishek bachan... i loved the movie too.. u mus appreciate this kind of movies to like it... or else no point watchin.. ill summarize it 4 u guys..

"Luft hai kaun si kahani mein…
Aap beeti kahun ki jag beeti"

("What story will be more absorbing…?
How the world in which I lived, fared
Or what fate hath held in store for me.")

- Umrao Jaan Ada

A courtesan and a poetess in her own right, Umrao Jaan(aishwarya rai) was a name to be reckoned with in any description of life in Avadh. If Lucknow was the heart of Avadh, Umrao was the heart beat.

When she first came to Lucknow, she was Amiran, the eight year old daughter of a lower middle class family. Her father was a Jamadar at the 'Bahu Begum ka Makhbara' in Faizabad. A pious and simple man, he gave evidence in a case against Dilawar Khan, a habitual offender. Dilawar was sentenced to jail for ten years. After finishing his sentence Dilawar came out, only to kidnap little Amiran, cart her to Lucknow and sell her to a kotha(brothel) owned by the astute Khanum Sahib. This was the vengeance and a few rupees as bonus. “Let her suffer a death worse than a death,” he said.

A kotha(brothel) in that age, especially that of Khanum(Shabana Azmi) was not only a cultural hub known for excellence in performing arts but also a temple of learning - learning the art of living. As an inmate of the kotha, little Amiran(aishwarya rai) benefited the most. Khanum gave her the name 'Umrao', Bua Hussaini brought her up in style, Maulvi Sahib imparted education, Khan Sahib initiated her into the world of music while the great Kathak Acharya made her feet move to rhythm. In the company of Bismillah, Khurshid and Gauhar Mirza, Umrao developed varied skills including poetry. The pen name “Ada” was ample proof of the proficiency in writing and presenting poetry that she went on to acquire.

Graduating in years, Umrao became a rage in Lucknow. A beauty that was stunning, a manner that was enticing and words that were soul stirring, made the name of Umrao Jaan mean sheer joy of watching and listening.

Stepping into youth, she had to seek the love of her life. His name was Nawab Sultan(abhishek bacchan) . She met him while she was performing at a celebration. With the whole of Avadh at her feet, Umrao craved for Sultan's company. Somewhere deep inside her being, she had a dream of a husband, a family and a home. She chased her dream from one end of the rainbow to the other. They both loved each other. But Nawad's father did not approve his son marrying a courtesan, but Nawab did not care. He loved Umrao. So his father disowned him.

Nawab now did not have any wealth nor a home. He met Umrao and there, he met Faiz Ali(Sunil Shetty), who was a thief but no one knew about it. Nawab did not have any money and was humiliated by Khanum(the owner of the brothel), so he decided to work and stand on his own feet so he could marry Umrao. Nawab left and asked Umrao to wait for him. Faiz Ali took advantage of this situation. He wanted Umrao to come along with him, but she refused as she loved Nawab. When she learnt that Nawab was in a small town, which was near Faiz Ali's house, she decided to go with him, so that she could meet Nawab. During the journey, Faiz Ali was spotted by soldiers and that was when Umrao learnt that he was a thief. All of them were caught. When Umrao found out that they were under Nawab's uncle's custody, she was happy so that she could meet him. But, before Nawab met Umrao, he met Faiz Ali. Nawab was angry when Faiz Ali told him that she was his keep. But it was a lie, but Nawab believed Faiz Ali. He left Umrao and she was sent back to Avadh in Lucknow, her brothel.

Soon, the British attack the city of Lucknow and the residents, including Umrao Jaan, are forced to flee. Umrao decided to go to Faizabad, her village from where she was kidnapped. There she learnt that her dad passed away. Her mother and brother disowned her. She was blamed as the family was not cared for at all since her whole village found out that she was a courtesan in Lucknow.

The story ends with a writer who is writing her story to be shared with the whole world.

--- The story is beautiful..trust me-- Her pic in the movie -- in the song -Salaam -... i lurve this song and all the dances.. actually all the songs r reallllii good..

2006-10-18T21:59:00.000+08:00

this is wad my dad sms me n my bro :

--> when i gif u money from the business, all of u very happy wit me. when business is bad, and u dont get money, all of u haf long face wit me. now i understand my family is - no money, no family. i jus hope i dun exist anymore. thnk u 4 bein my family 4 a while. <--

yea basically ttz the sms i got frm him.. (my bro got it too)

firstly, i wud like 2 ask u dad!-- who the hell begs u 4 money man... money is not freakin everythin... ure the one whuz money minded.. btw--- whether u brin back money 4 home.. doesnt make a diff.. u dun even gif it to us.. luckily i haf savings n i work.. i shud b the one thankin u 4 bein my "dad" 4 a while...

- eff it -
- screw it -
- dun bother me -
- im farkin pissed off -

bored

2006-10-16T22:50:00.000+08:00

hey peeps.. some updates

- ive been irritated wit some person (i wont mention name) ..** not vinit dun worry**... yea n tt person has juz been a pure b****... by b****in arnd my back.. i mean.. its juz 2 bad 4 u tt u cant get alon wit ppl n dun blame ME for tt man! screw u!... tt chapter is over.... i dun wanna b too nice anymore... eff it

- heck my spleen.. cant b bothered..

- went bugis wit sal, mira n fir.. had a blast.. thnks mira 4 the nougat =) lurve ya =) ....

- vinit : make a wise decision... its up 2 u whether u wanna trust me or not.. but stop doin wat u're doin.. u may not realize wat u're doin..,.. but it DOES hurt...watz the point of sayin sorry if u dun mend ur mistakes dude?

- diwali is comin up.. n ive got a million things 2 do...

- this week sux coz i haf 3 UTS!

- btw.. ill b wearing sarees for diwali this yr... pics will b uploaded soon... (btw for performances,,, no sarees plz.. i cant dance in tt... of coz ill b changin into my dance costumes) haha

- to all those of u tryin 2 study hard for ur UTs -- all the best =) GD LUCK... n dun stress urself out too much =))) tc peeps. cyaaz

yes... ill update soon okie

weeeee

2006-09-23T15:38:00.000+08:00

Hey all..

Im so happy navratri is here lalala
But im fastin!!.. so I just hope will give me the strength to dance until gila.. yAy!

Well, sch has started and it has been good so far..
My class IS kinda crazy so well, who cares hahakz... its fun hahakz
But hey, i dun haf 2 miss my darlings 2 much coz their classes all near me yAY YAy!
to my darlings -- sal, rajvinder kaur, aisyah, mira.................................. (dots represent more ppl haha.. lazy to type kaka)
i jus haf 2 go to their classes n open the door n SCREAM their name! YaY
n too bad to them..
4 bein my fren -- this r the things u get frm me :

1. i'll scream ur name (ull b popular)
2. ur hair gets pulled by me (it'll grow longer)
3. ill push u arnd the sch (u'll get stronger)
4. ill poke u (make u more immune to other ppl pokin u)
5. u haf 2 hear me singin unique song (nursery rhymes haha)
6. u get to hear me laugh (u dun get 2 hear happiness rite?)
7. ill make a hell out of a noise (u can join in e fun)
8. u'll neva get silence frm me (u wont get dead silence.. neva)
9. ill brin u the best places for food (u'll love the food)
10. i'll neva stop talking once i start (at least u'll haf some1 to listen to)
11. i'll make u go crazyyy w me (u'll be unique if u become crazy liek meee)

haha.. n the best thing abt all thissss is tt -- u'll always haf somethin 2 do... hahakz... u'll neva get bored of me haha.. ill always come up wit somethin new to eat ur brains up hahakz... see such a wonderrrful fren u haf!!

hahahahkz

2006-09-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

i lurve him.
although i neva realised tt he did love me.. but his actions prove it..
vinit.. if u're reading this... no need to b so happy haha...
juz wud like 2 tell u one thin, thnk u 4 returnin my happiness.. love ya loads =) muax

well, sch startin tom.. im supposed 2 b sleepin.. but i wanna d/l some songs.. so gotta wait..
i cant wait 4 sch to start coz im bored at home! hhahaa
its realli sucky 2 stay at home bored.. hhahakz
well, im glad sch is startin.. god, pls help me to do my best.. i need 2 pull up my gpa.

vinit or kashka? haha
vinit said -- ash.. choose me or kashka hahaa... he is scared of kashka...
but hez soo sweet.. he said he'd even hold kashka 4 me haha... he realli is veryyyyyy scared of snakes n reptiles.. haha... i pity vinit...
dun worry... i love the both of u haha...

thnk u vinit..
4 the bouquet of flowers,
4 the chocolates
4 the tub of ben n jerry's ice cream,*** (yummmyyyy)***
4 showering me wit love..***muax****
and the care n concern u have given me in e past 4 mnths.. (onli tt i didnt realize tt 4 mths ago)

2006-09-19T15:12:00.000+08:00

Haiyoo.. i tell u... this Sal very boreddd le
she nuttn beta to do kakaka
she tagged me aGain!@!

1) Single/taken/crushing?
im single

2) Are you happy with your life now?
i am.. ive got loadsa ppl who care so much 4 me.. hehe

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love fast?
i do fall in love fast.. but nw im tryin 2 control tt coz i dun wanna get hurt over n over again.

4) You had your heart broken?
yes

5) Do you believe there are certain circumstances where cheating love is acceptable?
yea.. esp when u're forced into a relationship which u dun wanna b in..

6) Would you take someone back if he/she cheats on you?
yes i wud.. onli if he turns out to want to change and mend his ways

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person before?
yes.. (dun ask me abt it)

8) Do you want children?
Yes i do

9) How many?
i wan twins =) haha

10) Would you consider adoption?
i wud consider it

11) If someone likes you right now, what would be the best way for he/she to let you know?
just dun overdo it.. juz take it slow

12) Do you enjoy getting into relationships?
yes, but onli when its peak.. i hate the downs tho

13) be honest, what is the furthest you and your ex did?
im a kind of person who'll marry the person i love so i always say -- wait till marriage haha.. but tt doesnt mean tt im tooo conservative hahaha

14) Do you believe in love at first sight?
yeap..

15) Are you romantic?
erm.. gd question.. ask my exs

16) Do you believe you can change someone?
i have changed someone 4 the better of coz haha

17) If you could be married off somewhere, where would it be?
india.. i wanna get married i rajasthan... (its a beautiful place)

18) Do you easily give in when you're fighting?
sometimes i do..

19) Do you have feelings for someone now?
i do actually

20) Have you ever wished you could have had someone but messed it up?
yes

21) Have you ever broken a heart?
yes, i have.. but i did tt 4 the better for the both.. its better to b heartbroken 4 a short time than to have deeper scars on ur heart 4 a longer time.

22) If one day your best friend fall for the same person you fall deeply in
love with, what would you do?
i lurve my frenz, i wud jus b happy for both.. but of coz, the best decision has to b made..

23) Are you missing someone now?
erm, not tt much.. haha

so i tagged 5 ppl: carmen, celina, leanna, sandy, dee
=P have fun troubling with it.

heyzieo

2006-09-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

hello all..

guess wad? ive got blisters again. i cant sleep. my feet aches. my head hurts. haha.. im juz weird.

i feel sad.
i haf 2 gif kashka to my cuz bro soon.
like very soon.
im gonna miss kashka a lot.
my cuz does not stay very far but i will miss kashka.
another reason is my dad says i need to concentrate more on my studies.
but he does not understand tt u cant b studyin 24 hrs. yes i do study
but i need a lil time off.

i juz need to treasure the time i haf left wit kashka.

i need to reach pasir ris by 9am tom.
coz thers the polyforum drama thin. thank god its gonna b over soon. its realli tiring.
at least in weblog i dun feel tt tired. coz its FUN
in drama its tirin.. firstly coz of our advisor, secondly, some of them r juz weird! like realli weird.

well, i juz hope my feet recovers so i can celebrate NAVRATRI!! yipee.. if u dunno wat tt is, im lazy to explain.. so go n google on it alrite hahakz

i wan ben n jerry's ice cream. will any kind soul fulfill tt wish of mine for me? hehe

nitez

2006-09-15T22:44:00.000+08:00

Hellooooo

The Camp is over.. I lurve all my fellow WeBLoggers.. ermz, ok not all... but most of them hahaha!!! They rockkk!! To my assistant camp ic - Sal.. shez been a great help!! haha

My wonderful advisor : Ms Vivi (we lurve u too!)

Admin/Finance : Mira

Presenters: Izattee, Jam,Amir, Aisyah, Carmen, Samuel, Ariel, Sheikh, Farouk, Shaun

Logistics: Clinston and Khairul

Welfare Ic: Asri

Games Ic: Aisyah & Jam

Photographers: GeckoZ and Eugene

Team Leaders: Izattee, Marcus, Samuel, Ariel, Venga

Last but not least, to all the campers who joined the camp -- THANK YOU ALL!!! N i realli enjoyed myself wit u guys.. U guys did a great job.

Yes I am exhausted, but I had a great time. And WeBLOG ROCKS!

I actually am sick now haha.. got drenched in the rain and the water game made me full soaking wet haha.. but enjoyed myself tho.. it was greatttttt.. i cant stop praising the fun we had during the camp! haha

Tom I'm going for another navratri celebration, yes its not the official guju one.. but who cares! I lurve dancing.. haha...

2006-09-12T01:35:00.000+08:00

Hey!

Im back =)

OMG. Guess wad peeps? I went for dinner at Long Beach restaurant last nite. Had seafood. I lurve the food there cause I lurve seafood! So yeap, went there and looked at the display of the crabs and live fish and stuff. We were sitting near the entrance so I could see the crabs. There was this - ' Live Alaskan King Crab'! And it was huge!! One crab cost about 300 bucks! N i wanna have it one day haha!

The funny part of the crab was -- one particular crab kept wanting to come out of the tank. Haha.. Check this out -

Oh btw... Sat nite I went for navratri - falguni pathak came down. I danced and danced haha!!

Check these out-

me

me

me n mom

me n nirmal

me b4 seafood dinner

me n mom b4 seafood dinner

gelare waffle .. ate tt wit sal today haha

ive been tagged

2006-09-07T21:55:00.000+08:00

SAL tagged me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -blueh- kakaka

Here are the rules...

Do the following WITHOUT complaints.

Choose 5 people to do this after you have completed yours.
Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
Start your post with I have been tagged!then do this.

Ok...Here I go... =D

Current Mood: crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Taste: sour
Current Clothes: my pyjamas!
Current Desktop: somewat i made on my own~
Toenail Colour: goldish hazelnut
Current Time: 9.53pm
Current Surroundings: my living room and kashka
Current Annoyances: i need cash!

First Best Friend (s): none! i lurve every1 equally
Current Best Friend(s): those whom i always am wit
First Crush: i cant rememba dude!
First Movie: my memory sux man.. i cant rememba laaaa
First Lie: kindergarten!!.. i neva do my homework hehe
Last Crush: *sum1* haha
Last Movie: kabhi alvida na kehna ( the hindi one)
Last Phone Call: mom haha
Last song played: kamray mein aaja! good song to get u movin realli!
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes

Have you ever broken the law: yes kakaka
Have you ever been arrested: NO
Have you ever skinny-dipped: NOOOOOOO
Have you ever been on TV: Yes!
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: NO
5 things you are wearing: my bangle, my chain, my bracelet, my specs, my jacket
4 things you did today: went to school for drama, had ice cream, cooked for bro, fed kashka!
3 things you can hear right now: my bro listenin to rock, my mommie talkin, my stupid neighbour drilling!
1 thing you do when you're bored: i irritate people! hahahaha

People I tagged: Aisyah, Dee, Sandy, Khairul, Faroukh **evil laugh**

I was bored and Sal had nothing better to do so she tagged me. She confessed that she likes to tag me. My feet hurt...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kakakakakkakak

cobra facts

2006-08-29T17:58:00.000+08:00

Guess wad?? Here is some information I came across.. Some facts about cobras -- check it out!!

King Cobras are just one type of cobra. Overall, there are hundreds of different types.

King Cobras are the only snake in the world that build a nest for their young, just like a bird, but on the ground!

King Cobras lay 20-40 eggs in a nest, which is faithfully guarded by female her mate. The incubation time is 60-90 days.

King Cobra young are called hatchlings since they come from eggs. Hatchlings are about 50cm long.

King Cobras (Ohiophagus hannah) eats other snakes! The Latin word for "snake-eater" is ophiophagus.

Cobras are the only snake in the world that can spit their venom, and they are accurate up to about half their own length!

King Cobras are the longest venomous snake in the world! The average male grows 18 feet long, and some have been known to grow more than 20 feet long.

Cobras are not blind, in fact they see very well even at night.

Cobras have a "Jacobsen's Organ" (like most snakes) that gives it super smelling ability. They can sense tiny changes in temperature, which helps them track their prey at night.

Cobras typically live to 20 years old or more in the wild.

Cobras are at the top of the food chain. Their only natural predators are the mongoose, and man.

Cobras venom is not the strongest there is, but cobras can inject so much venom in a single bite that they can kill an elephant. Sea snakes have deadlier venom, and rattlesnakes have weaker venom.

Most cobras are shy, and run and hide when people are around. The exception is King Cobras, who are aggressive, and will rear up and stand their ground when confronted.

Cobras are not poisonous, they are venomous. This means that even though they have deadly venom in their sacs, the rest of the snake is edible to predators, if they are brave enough to try! <<<>>>

Many snake charmers remove the fangs or the venom sacs from their snakes, because it is too dangerous. This practice is illegal, and is considered inhumane to the snake. <<<<<>>>

Cobras are very intelligent, and can learn quickly, which helps them avoid dangerous areas.

King Cobras mainly inhabit Southern Asia, Northern Africa and the Philippines. Other species of cobras roam as far as Australia, New Guinea, and most of the Eastern hemisphere.

Cobras can hear, although they sense sound through contact with the ground much better than humans.

Cobras don't always inject venom when they bite something. They can do a "dry bite" if they want to.

Baby cobras have full strength venom and can defend themselves fully like their parents.

The male King Cobra stays with the female and her eggs, and takes turns guarding the nest and hunting.

A cobras hoods is created by the extension of the ribs behind the snakes' head.

Cobras vary in weight from only a few ounces for a typical African Ringhals, to 35 lbs. for a large King.

The best special medicine given to cobra bite victims, called "antivenin", is made from cobra venom.

Cobras are revered in India and Southeast Asia. The Hindus consider them manifestations of Shiva, the god of destruction and regeneration. Cobra images guard the entrances of many Buddhist and Hindu temples. King Cobras have also been worshipped as sun deities and associated with rain, thunder, and fertility. On the annual lunar holiday of Nag Panchami, Hindus refrain from plowing and field work out of respect for cobras.

<<>> -- Dun mess with it when its in this position, it really will strike!

yo!!!!!! ash is back

2006-08-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

Harlow peeps!!

Watz up??????????????????

Haha.. juz another of my crazy days!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I lurve thai food!!!!!! its yummy!! super duper delicious!!!
Went to lemongrass restaurant at siglap yesterday nite.. thai food rocks!
the best thin u can gif me to cheer me up.. yes... the other is obviously waffles frm gelare!! .. how can some1 eva resist waffles frm gelare??! ill list some of the wondeful creations in the food industry --- haha

- waffles frm gelare
- thai food
- ben n jerry's ice cream
- seafood platter frm fish n co
- choc brownies w ice cream n hot fudge
- seafood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUMMY
- oyster wit egg!! haha (i noe some of u hate tt.. but it realli is delicious)
... actually therz a whole lot more.. but guess wads my favourite????

........

keep guessing.......

have u guessed???????????

erm............. noooooooooooo

still havent guessed??????????

scroll down for the answer.........

I lurve my MOM's COOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... im juz crazy.. wats wron wit me?????? wakakakakakakakaka

...........

I went shoping and shopping and more shopping the past few days!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... N one of my favourite festivals is coming up! i lurve tt festival - its called Navratri.. gotta fast for 9 days, and it'll b for abt 1 and a half weeks, so we have a dance festival for about 5 days... on the weekends.. coz weekdays impossible!! ppl working n schooling.. so yes. its the dance using either sticks or ur hands by clapping.. it realli is fun 4 me.. but its not easy doing the hands one... coz the foot steps r difficult n challenging. But i lurve them.. I've learnt many foot steps alreadi.. yay! .. i'll b glad 2 learn new ones.. it is tiring fif u stop.. contibue dancing for 5 hrs!!! c hw tiring it is..!! weeeeeeeeeeee

HAHA.. haf meeting tom.. so gotta go sleep!! kashka is sleepy too.. nitez 2 all.. sweet dreams!!

life?

2006-08-21T23:09:00.000+08:00

Life is a bitch.

U have to live life with natural disasters. N I HATE floods!!

I dunno what I'm hoping for now after all that has happened. Im starting to hate living. Fark the pills.
Life is simpler after u overcome the hurdles of it right??? Yea.. but how many dumb hurdles do u wan me to freakin overcome? Seems like therz no fuckin end! Wat else do i need to go thru? Wherz the end? Ive neva asked for anythin more than the simple things in life.. I need energy, im gettin weaker. I want to live a life without any fear.. without medications, a life without all these stupid lame shit... I feel as tho Im lost. Im wandering around,
I want to live life without a fear, without medications...

WHEN?

dad! u're makin me weaker everyday! n I've alwayz hated u for tt!

I dun haf the strength anymore... I DONT. Look at me, wat makes u think tt i want to fight this shit any more? I DONT.

I DUNT WANNA TAKE THE RISK OF BEING ALIVE!!!

I do not want to...

ash pon class hehe

2006-08-18T20:12:00.000+08:00

yes.. im back.. hello!!.. a lot of things to blog abt actually.. firstly-- sal : u're mad!. haha.. she told me tt must realli like shout b4 u tag last time on shoutbox kakaka... siao rite.. she act innocent onli.. but actually not.. but whu cares??!! i still lurve her!!

i pon class today!! lazy.. had applied chem today.. erm.. went to meet the idiot in the mornin b4 i went to meet sal and nadia.. it is the stupid dumb dumb who kept callin n callin rememba peeps? arrr... nvm la.. nuisance fella.. dun wanna type on my blog..!!! haha ... later he read then he'll call more times than b4 !! wakakaka.. i think ill juz jump down my window larr!!.. am not exaggerating!! he realli very irritatin!!!! hhahaha... SUPER DUPER irritating...

haha anywaez!!... i lurve kashka!!! hez my snake!!!
kashka is juz super cute... surprisingly, when i teared once, he actually licked my tears.. it can feel wateva im feelin.. when i feel sad, it'll juz coil up nex 2 me... but when he knows im in a happy mood.. he'll climb all over me.. on my head n on my shoulder haha... a lil mischievous tho..
every mornin, it'll hide inside my bag... (the one i bring to sch).. then when i open my bag to put my laptop in, it'll b inside!! haha.. coz i let it out when i get up frm bed... while im brushin n showerin n stuff.. ill let it glide arnd my room.. here r kashka's pics... i cant take too many at one shot, he doesnt like things which r being done in frnt of his head, it can strike.. keeping snakes IS dangerous.. I advise u all not to keep one unless u REALLY know how to take care of them!!.. Yes, kashka is non-venomous,,, but tt doesnt mean tt he wont strike!!! a lot of paperwork to do b4 u keep a reptile ok.. they're not like the normal pets u can keep.. they need extra care... n its COSTLY.. so DO NOTTT keep any if u r not sure of its care n maintenance.

isnt he cute??? kashka is a corn snake btw.. hez abt 76 cm. he weighs arnd my laptop.. abt 3 kg... a lil less than tt.. n he eats mice, lizards (prabhu.. u shud b happy coz he will reduce the lizard population... so muz help me to catch lizards n feed him okie???).. haha.. kashka lurves to drink milk... n i lurve kashka.. colour is realli beautiful..

n btw, he behaves like a king.. must realli pamper him haha.. if kashka doesnt like u, he'll stand halfway up n stare right at ur face!! =)

oh yes.. btw, i haf watched "Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna". I wont say that it is a super nice movie, but it is touching. I teared in it!!! hhaha.. yes... it was meaningful. The story is different. N i do lurve the songs. Most of them actually. They're quite meaningful.. I noe some of u wanna watch.. i dun mind watchin again haha.. Yes sal.. ill go wit u.. haha

Btw -- thank u Sal and Prabhu for knocking sense into me. N ill b a good gal n keep up to my deal. Okie? N nex time when i stubborn, take a hammer n knock my head.. then confirm ill listen hahahahahhahahaah... Thanks guys..

i hate you!

2006-08-06T22:36:00.000+08:00

I hate u!! stop doin that to me!

I talk 2 him 4 hours and hours, he cant seem to understand.

Its irritating! its bothering me!

I HATE YOU!

I hate you for loving me!

Its because of you my tolerance level is getting lower!

Its because of YOU i feel this way!

I feel so scared,

I'm screwing up,

Making mistakes,

I'm afraid,

Afraid of everything I do,

I can't think straight,

My mind keeps ending up in the same place,

You scare me,

I don’t wanna think about it,

You make me cry when I don’t want to,

You haunt me,

I laugh,

I laugh so much,

They think I'm happy,

I'm not,

I'm crying,

Crying like hell,

You scare me,

You hurt me,

You take me to places I don’t want to go to,

You torture me,

You force me,

I can feel it,

And I hate you for what you are doing to me!

genetics P14

2006-08-02T14:27:00.000+08:00

genetics.
like it.
was tough today. stressful.
but kinda ok.
managed to understand =)

chi square value?? genetics?? actually i didnt see any link at first, but after i did it, then i saw the link.. *blank*
im starting to get worried for my UT4! rp=uts=sux

erm.not.in.a.mood.be back later

need to concentrate and listen to other teams so ill understand better.

argh!!

2006-08-02T00:05:00.000+08:00

helloz! had anatomy today in H.. quite fun..

I had been driving my classmates nuts again. Poor Jo and Sal, one whole sem of being in my class. Hehe.. To know what its like, go ask them!! wakakakakaka... *evil laugh*

Jus completed my module selection today, finally made up my mind on which module to take. But luckily I knew what module to take, I clicked on my choice and I was glad I didnt have to make changes. I rather just stick to a decision which I have made and not think too much about it. I had obviously given a lot of thought before I made that decision.

I came back quite late from the hospital today. Things r going smoothly. *dun wanna talk about it*.. but ill pray he'll b fine soon. His age matters in his recovery.

Juz completed my lab report for genetics. Yong helped. He's a great team member. At least hez not like my other team member who was in my team the other day.

OOps.. 4got to add my drosophila pics here.. My baby flies!! haha.. for genetics lab assignment haha,..

*drosophila melanogaster*

wat a name for a small fly@! ive been seeing a lot of fruit flies around recently, juz the other day, managed to catch a sepia eyed fruit fly in my pharmaco class haha!! but it died! no culture to feed on.

anatomy lab is fun too!!! meet mr bones ----

*now do u noe y lab is fun???*

n thnks sal for helpin me wit tagboard... oh btw,.. if u hear any1 screamin in W3 level 6, blame sal!! she makes me scream haha.. she came up wit a crazy theory of shouting so ur pic gets published on the net.. no link rite?? sal!! haha *sal. our class is 6th floor.. not 5th floor* hahahah

im gonna sleeeeeeeeeeep... nitezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Am i psychic??????

2006-08-01T13:27:00.000+08:00

You Are 90% Psychic

You are so very psychic.

But you already predicted that, didn't you?

You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others.

You're very tapped into the world around you...

Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

2006-07-28T10:53:00.000+08:00

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

2006-07-27T01:42:00.000+08:00

hey peeps...

havent been updatin recently... i think i beta update frequently.. !! haha

Sch is stressed.. kinda ok.. catching up slowly..

Im quite free now tho.. frm all the studd i was involved in.. yay!! i haf more time now!! which means.. i need to plan my schedule..

which reminds me... i havent done calling up ppl for performance,,, will update some other time.. cya

updated 2 weee

2006-07-03T14:17:00.000+08:00

Hello peeps, This is my 2nd entry for today... ttz been quite good aint it? Well, juz wanna clarify a few things since I have not updated for very very very long.

1. I am single.
2. I am happy and always smiling despite of all the crap tt has been happening.
3. I am working.
4. School has been stressed for me.
5. I do not wanna fall into any guy's crap.
6. I DO wanna keep a snake as a pet.

--- WAIT

Y every1 getting scared ??? Haha... Let me clarify another thing. Yes i DID play with snakes when I was young. You only get bitten if you scare it or injure it or harm it. It is normal to keep snakes, but illegal in SG. So, Im gonna get a proper letter and stuff before I keep one. There's a snake farm in SG tt has snakes. I saw a coral snake. Which looked somewhat like this --

--------

but

i wanna keep a krait ---

I dunno la.. must decide.. the coral snake is about a 100 plus after discount... erm.. juz gotta find a krait.. they're both a venomous species but the krait more venomous... so erm.. i shall wait till i find one... =)

hallowww

2006-07-03T08:47:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps, I've finally updated my blog yes... Its year 2 ... in biomedical sciences now and therz so much to do...

It's good and bad.. Good tt i enjoy doing these modules... and bad cause its stressed up.. (**RP is not a slack school.. therz more we do than the other poly's cause it's more of self-directed learning.)

I dont realli know what to write here now since it's been a long time.. but i've been very busy wit i also dunno wat haha... juz been busy wit sch... very busy wit work too..

im gonna update some pics of me and my new classmates....
I have 3 classes.. haha...

(ttz me and pam)

(yong and me)

(rajvin.me.mumtaz.preet)

-- havin pharmaco now.. will post again laterz... =)

My Report

2005-12-21T00:12:00.000+08:00

I realli dunno wat to blog abt.. but herez my report...

thoda sa pyaar hua hai, thoda hai baki...(my feelings.. wrote them... read it... juz hurt inside...)

2005-12-09T03:07:00.000+08:00

The promises you made to me,
Turned out to be lies,
The vows we made together,
Were never meant to be true,
I don't even know what wrong I have done,
That I deserve this.
A heartbeat is missing,
A prayer on my lips,
Wishing that you would hear it,
How do I forget you?
How do I show you the scars you left in my heart,
I can’t do anything much
I don't know what is this happening to me.
The past makes me cry when I remember it
I don't know how I would forget you.
I wish I could come and tell you how I feel inside.
How much I am hurting inside, you don't know.
You think I'm happy,
But deep down, I am not.
The past was beautiful,
I knew you would always be there for me,
It was you who stood by my side,
But again, it was impossible to plan the future.
Dreams had shattered,
The prayer on my lips brought tears to me eyes.
You broke the mirror in my heart,
Abandoned me in the middle of nowhere.
I asked you for happiness,
Instead, you filled my eyes with tears.
You knew I had feelings for you,
And you did too.
I have learnt that love hurts, hearts break.
No one knows where the pain is hidden,
People laugh on the outside,
But they cry inside.
The pain tears the heart apart.
The happiness led to pain,
Wrapped in sadness and grief,
All I wanted was to say a few words to you,
But you didn’t give me the chance.
The scars you gave me,
I'll keep them inside,
Until I realize that I should love again
It would remind me that love hurts,
You didn’t do me justice,
How can you get justice?
You hurt me
How would you get relief?
In the heart, there are wishes,
Like storms in seas
Which die off, like ships when they sink in seas
The heart cries, but eyes tear,
I'll give you flowers in replacement of the thorns you gave me,
What more sacrifice would I get when I forgive you?
How would someone recognize
The sacrifices made in love
I didn’t know that love was a compromise
Love is weird,
It gives you happiness for a while
Then a treasure full of sadness,
I've been given a punishment for love,
If I meet god,
I'll ask him why he made hearts out of mirror,
Which break so easily in love.
Which turn in life did I take,
Which now, you have disappeared from my eyes.
I gave my heart out to you,
All I'm waiting for is you.
You words, they hurt.
A simple action is enough,
I don’t need the words.
Words can't be trusted anymore.
We both did have feelings for each other,
But what happened?
How did everything draw us apart?
Things just seem to get further apart.
Which path are we both taking?
Why do people leave and break dreams?
What does the heart gain after people leave?
My heart has burnt to ashes,
The heart is drowning with pain
Back to loneliness again,
How do we share the same dreams,
When both of us have chosen different paths.
The hearts met and broke again
Broken hearts can never mend again.
Why did you give me hopes,
When you wanted to break my heart?
Why did you love me,
When you wanted to spurn away?
You unleashed the tears from my heart.
Why kept me in your heart?
Why linked it with mine?
You played with my feelings.
I could not even have taken it if I was dead.
You brought me back from where I started again.
I am trying to move on,
Why do I keep thinking about the past and getting hurt again?
I'm hurting inside,
You just don’t know how much.
I've never asked you for anything.
Always accepted your decisions.
And again, I shall respect your decision.
I've never been allowed to voice out anyway,
No matter what ever happens,
I've been dancing to the tunes of life,
I can’t control my life at all,
It is so bad till I don’t even know when is the end of it.
I've never lived a day to my own wish.
I guess I'll never be able to.

stuck

2005-12-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

Hey,.. Met my bro after school. Sux. He collected my reports for me. Whatever. The same old crap-- getting worse. Feel like it's no point taking medication. Wasting time. I'm sick of this world. Glad to leave it earlier than normal. The pain grows deeper day by day. Am going for operation in hols. Will have to stay in hospital for a few days. Chest is infected. Cancer cells growing. I don’t wanna go for op yet. My mom is not in sg. I can’t tolerate my dad. I dunno what to do.

I am afraid to go for the op. It is an alternative for amputating my leg. But this op can make me paralyzed for life if it doesn't succeed. The chances are 50-50. So I don’t know. I am just left with either one of these options :

-- Amputate
-- Chance if being paralyzed for life if the op doesn't succeed.

My grandparents have no idea that I'm stuck in this situation here. My dad wants to get over and done with his responsibility of taking care of me. I'm not ashamed of being diagnosed with cancer. If you are ashamed to be my friend cause of this reason.. Then leave!

What do you do when you are stuck here.

I wanna see all my friends tomorrow. Who knows whether I'll be able to come back to school again…

Am lost.. Sick.. Tired.. Upset.. Irritated..

Yes I shouldn’t be upset. Everything's pouring down on me.

I inflicted pain on myself again… I dunno what's wrong with me.. I hate it when I care for a friend so much and it seems as though the person is drifting far away. Gonna loose sight already.. I hate it when I loose friends.

Just imagine this for a while--

You really care about someone a lot. And obviously, the person cares for you too. You both are not in good talking terms. But do care and all. Both of them are afraid to tell each other how much they want to be friends again. Both are afraid to talk to one another.
One day, the guy decides to tell the gal that he wants her to be by her side forever, that he cares and wants the friendship to be better. He goes to find her…
But…
She's not there. She has disappeared. Gone. Outta the world…. Dead probably?

Imagine what she went through while dying-- she probably was thinking about

What would you do? How would you feel? Heart aches right? Isn’t it so painful that you are trying your best to calm down and breathe? Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t want me by your side anymore. Tell me that you don't need me anymore. I'm trying to help you but you don’t see it. What more do you want me to do?

No words from you anymore. Nothing at all. Did you mean what you told me in the past? Are you an ex-friend? I don't know.. I need to know. What is it that you want from this? Friendship? Hatred? Never talk anymore?

My chest hurts… I gtg..

M.Y. L.I.F.E I.S. C.H.A.N.G.I.N.G.

2005-12-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

Hey.. I'm so happy! Met him after drama. Miss you my baby!! Hehe.. We went fort canning! So romantic. Weeee. I went Weeee so many times in drama today. Haha. Went nuts! Drama was fun. Dancing hehe. Anyway, yeah, went fort canning.. Talked, wrote poem.. Weeee~~
Carmen, Janice, Aisyah… sorry I Weeeee~ a lot haha… BTW, I think I gotta go look for polly pocket hahahahaa.. Sorry Aisyah… But it’s the same colour everything hahaha… Amir.. You still havent send me the link… *hammer* ..
Aidil.. Don’t go tell people I noisy ok?! I very quiet one.. *hehehhehe* Later I tell people also then you know… *hammer*

Salbiah never come school. She resting at home. Miss her la. Hope you get well soon gal. Must take good care of yourself alrite?? *muackss*

Dee!!! She slapped my backside today.. Wa lau.. Cause I was eating chocolate doughnut! Haha.. Pain sia. Cannot sit also! Wa lau! Relax la.. One doughnut won't kill me sia.. *hammer* *beat* *whack* kakakaka *blueh*

I wanna go sleep!!!! Tired! Drama dance till leg pain ok! Wa lau!!

Er, my backside pain sia… all thanks to dee.. Haha …

Rushi!! I not hamster!! Haha.. He call me hamster cause he say I laugh like I squeaking.. He one kangaroo la.. Jump from the stairs all! Haha.. Madness.. Wheeeeee-ness…
I think I should go and sleep.. Im sleepy and tired. Confirm later I'll wake up.. Someone will call me haha…

Medication sucks big time..

2005-11-24T21:58:00.000+08:00

Hi all, jus came back from Drama a while ago. Had fun. I didn’t do much as I was in pain. But did have fun. I am selected for the casting thingie.. Yipeeee… Haha…

Tired… back hurts, head hurts, chest hurts, elbow hurts, arm hurts.. WTH.. Irritating…

Someone asked my to be his gf today.. I said no… Wateva.. I'm not interested. I already have enough problems to deal with. I don’t even know what the heck I was doing today. Café, class, café, class, toilet, class.. Then café then class.. Like seriously.. Wth…

So well yeah.. Don’t even bother telling me what to do. Why is everyone asking me to take my medication and all when I don’t want to? I've given up already. Yes I have. So quit asking me to take my medications. I know I'm getting on everyone's nerves. I'm happy the way I am. I am glad for who I am. I am contented with myself. I don't need anything more.

For those who care about me, I appreciate it. Please accept the fact that I can’t do anything much about my sickness. So please stop worrying. Whatever is bound to happen, will happen. We can’t stop things from happening. Let whatever happen. I don't really care anymore. And yes, if you are trying to keep my faith up, don’t bother. Yes, I have given up. And if my words hurt, there's nothing I can do about it cause I'm letting out my pain from inside. This is what I feel inside and need to let out. I'm having a good life. I am enjoying myself. I don’t need anything more. I repeat again- I don’t need anything more.

There's really no point taking my medication anymore. Like whatever..

Yea.. One more thing-- I do not make decisions without thinking. I think carefully before making them. If my words hurt, there's nothing I can really do about it.

Gtg.. Bye.. Take care all..

while i was in hospital...

2005-11-24T01:51:00.000+08:00

Well.. Haven't been updating lately I guess. Was in the hospital. Admitted there on Saturday night at around 3 plus in the bloody morning. Sickening. I just got discharged this afternoon. Well, I have a lot of things to blog about.. But I dunno where to start. So erm, for a start… Will start off with Saturday night okie?

I was on the phone.. And was trying to sleep at around 2 plus. All of a sudden, I threw up blood. I ignored it. Then I tried to sleep again. I threw up blood again and this time, my chest started hurting very bad. I felt as though there was no more hope. It was scary. Very scary. I didn’t know what to do. I was already off the phone by then. I tried shouting.. But couldn't. I was stuck in my room. Within the four walls. It was really scary. The pain got worse until I started crying. I cried out so loud and screamed till my mom came in my room and asked what was wrong. She was shocked to see me holding my chest and trying to breathe. She woke up my dad and immediately, they rushed me to Raffles Hospital.

There, I was given injections and medications. They were of no use. I threw up blood twice again. The doctor panicked and so did my dad. For once, I was shocked to see my dad worried. I panicked. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Something like that had happened before, but this was more severe. My chest was still hurting a lot die to the efforts by the doctors and the nurses. I had to be admitted. I was taken to the ward, given painkillers and injections and the pain lessened. I thanked god.

I could not sleep the entire night in the hospital. I was really worried. I tried to forget about the pain when morning came, but the pain came back. A new doctor, a specialist, attended my case. He sent me for treatments in the morning throughout early afternoon and I was beginning to feel less pain. The next day, in the morning, the doctor sent me for a scope. I was under anaesthetic and a camera was inserted inside of me. Scary. Luckily, I was unaware of it throughout the process. I was asleep.. (put to sleep)

After MRIs, X-rays and tests, the doctor concluded that my oesphagus had been inflammed. The whole tube is swollen and it was due to not eating well and taking my medication. Thus, the acid went through reflux and it had caused my chest to hurt badly.

Btw, the drip thingy sucked. I was injected twice on my right arm first. Due to the poor flow of blood, the drip then had to be placed on my left arm, at my elbow area. It sucked. Was damn painful. Already my chest pain, the drip position sucked even more. Can't even move my arm!!!

I was on drip as I was unable to swallow food as chest was very pain. It was really painful. My mom visited me a lot of times. I tried not to show her I was in pain. But deep down, I think she knew. Haiz..

Thank you all for visiting me. Senal & Vinit.. ( u guys are retards.. Visit me at 8 in the morning.. Idiotic gone cases).. Dee, Fifi, Dee's friend, Rick, Jo, Joel, Sandy, Yong Quan, Samuel, Kian Wai, Aidil, Aisyah, Carmen, Salbiah.. Love ya all.. And yeah -->> to the nutcase group.. -->> hospital la.. Noisy sia-->> Varun, Milz, Rajesh, Rushi… wth sia.. Crazy nut cases!!

Here’s a picture of my stupid drip :

Kenna SaBOtaGe!! bluehhhh

2005-11-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps, kinda pissed off lately. Yeah like whatever fuck. Anyway, just want to let you all know this- I might have to amputate my right leg. Cancer cells were detected in my back last time, yeah and now it's in my right leg. Found out about 3 weeks ago. I'm confused. I dunno what to do. I need my leg. I am sick of being ill. I am sick of taking medication. I've made up my mind I'm not gonna take them anymore. Don’t force me alrite? I do things for a reason. I have though long before I came up with this decision. Whatever.

I have known and realized that life does not go the way you want it to be.

My mom is going to india for about a month.. From 1st week of december to middle of january. My grandparents are going, and so is my aunt. I am stuck here for a fucking whole month with my dad. My bro is still here with me though. But he can't do much.

I'm like gonna be fucking stuck at home with my dad for a whole fucking month and he's gonna make my life full of shit. CRAP!

Class was boring today btw. Sorry team members. Enterprise. Accounting is so not me man.

After class, I went orchard with Dee. Thanks babe for following. Love ya gal .. :) … walked from palais renaissance to somerset. Haha. We were like crapping all the way. Fun to be with my pantatsters haha.

I was on the way back home when I saw Nelvin at the bus stop at dhoby ghaut. He followed me to Mark's & Spencer. Thanks Nel. I like calling him the NEL train line thingie... Haha. He was disturbing me all the way ok!! We bought chocolates and cookies!! I'm gonna bring some to school tomorrow to share alrite? Not to worry peeps. Thanks NEL!!! Hahaha.. He'll stand in the train as if it is his man!! Haha. Another of my nutcase friends. Long lost ones haha.

Anyway, a lot of things happening. I'm like stuck. Confused. I dunno what I'm doing. Btw-- hope your head is feeling better. (You know who you are). Please take care of yourself and please stop falling.

Guess wat?!! I've been sabotaged!! .. Haiz.. By salbiah!!!

i've been saboed by my dear SALBIAH!!!
here's the game. introduce 10 quirks or idiosyncrasies of yours on your blog, following which you are free to pick 5 more people to do the same thing..
so its like im suppose to list 10 things here.so it goes:

1. I laugh a lot and my laughter super loud!! Muahahah
2. I'll scream your name if I see you!!,… even if you are a distance away!! Kakaka
3. I laugh a lot, but get jokes only after everyone finishes laughing… xooppssx
4. I've been having a horrible tripping disease ever since I came to RP!! --succckkkss--
5. I am a peacock!! Haha
6. I love to type -blueh- people on msn and in person….Hehe.. Irritate people sometimes.. Haha
7. I laugh even though something is not funny!
8. I'm obsessed with my navel studs!!.. I lurrveee piercings!!
9. I like fighting with my bro with a chair!!
10. I talk a lot. I just talk and talk and talk and talk!! kakaka

These are the people I'm gonna sabo too-- muahahaha

1. Dee
2. Sandy
3. Amir
4. Sherlyn
5. Janice
6. Aisyah
7. Carmen
8. Aidil
9. Fifi
10. Wan
11. Alam
12. Sandy

Well, that's it.. Kenna sabo!! Haiz… too bad for all you people who kenna sabo by me too! Do the exact same thing! All the best writing your quirks about yourselves!! Muahahhaa…

life in a mess??

2005-11-12T00:22:00.000+08:00

Hi.. Before you read this-- jus wanna let u all know that it is gonna be a mess...

After school, I dunno where I went. Don’t even bother asking. I walked I dunno from where to where. Was crying all the way. People were staring at me. Looked down all the way. Dashed across the road with my heavy bag, motorbike hit my knee. Er, I'm ok. Sat under a block, listened to a song (hindi song) , cried and cried. I don't know what the crap is wrong with me. I don't know what is happening. I seriously hate this f***** up feeling. Feel crapped up, confused, frustrated.

This is what the song meant--

--> Love is weird.. Makes u happy a min.. Sad the other,
Tears, sadness, doubts…
Keeps reminding u of the person u love
Makes u hurt.. Wanna cry out,…
Totally lost in love…

If I find god,
I wanna ask him
y he created hearts out of glass,
and they shatter and break into a million pieces,..
On top of that,
he gave sadness, confusion,
and a heart to love.. A contradiction?? <--

Whatever about the song…

What do u do when you are confused in life? Throw things around? Bang your head against the wall? Try to vent out your frustration onto something? I thought of doing that. But honestly, it won't work.. The same confusion will come back to me, probably hit me even worse than before. Guess the best way to solve things is to talk things out. Yea, tried, it does make things better for us at least to a certain extent. But I dunno why, we both undergo a process of heart breaking, pain and I dunno what more, before we reach to a suitable conclusion. The decisions we make do hurt both of us. I respect you for who you are. I just want to tell you that I'm proud to have someone like you in my life.

Anyways, coming back to life. Today has not been a good day at all. My heart hurts a lot. Feel as though something has pierced it damn bad. And, if you are reading this, please don't feel bad that you are the cause of it. Cause you are not. I'm just over-sensitive. Guess I just needed to let everything out. I'm sorry I hurt you, sorry I made you upset. I don't know how to name our relationship. I really don't know. I'm lost.

There's one thing I would like you to know. It is that- no matter what, I'll always cherish you, respect you, be there for you and always treasure you. Do me a small favour by always keeping this words close to your heart. In the future, if I ever hurt you or make you upset again, it is not intentional. I really never meant to hurt you in the past and will not in the future. In the process of letting out my feelings, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I understand what you are going through. I promised that I will be always there for you. And I will keep my words.

Love scares me. It is scary. Been in it, through it, experienced the pain it brings, underwent the damage it did to my heart, reached the extreme of being injured. I don't even know how come I'm writing these stuff here. I keep trying to think that is it really an obsession? What should I do to get rid of this unwanted feeling? I realized love does hurt. Then why do we fall in love? Why is it that hearts are created to love? I'm petrified of what my future is going to bring me. I try so hard to invent my future in the present, but each time I try, I fail to do it.

I wish that sometimes things didn’t happen. Regret flows within the depths of my soul at this point of time. It flows as though it has the strength of a flood. I guess I have held these gates shut for too long that it distresses me. It torments me, should they be stopped? I want to put a stop to the anguish that is following me. Even as I am typing now, it stops my heart cold. How should I refine these stuff? I need to move steadily to ensure that this time, my thoughts, feelings and what so ever will represent a dream. What ever.. I think I have given up on my dreams.

I try to cherish my life.. That's quite impossible. I try to cherish each breathe I take, but I can't. I try to have a crave for light and laughter. I do laugh, smile and have fun. But what is really hiding behind these smiles and laughter? Each time we say good-bye, my heart weeps. To my aching soul, the good-byes seem eternity. They seem like forever. Little does anyone know of the tears I cry…

What am I feeling? What is it that I'm doing wrong? Why is it happening?

what is it tt im doin??? this isnt me right???

2005-11-10T02:01:00.000+08:00

Am I hoping for the past, or the future?
Living in the present, recalling what I've been taught,
Life is simple after you overcome the hurdles of it,
These hurdles have just been going on and on.
Isn't there an end to it?
What is it that I need to go through?
I wished for the simplicities in life,
Never asked for anything more
All I ask for is to let me be the simple me,
I need courage, I need energy,
I need each and every one of my friends beside me.
Questions and thoughts rush through my head.
All the doubts I have not cleared,
Keeps coming back to me, creates a fear in me.
I don't want to feel this way,
Guess I'm probably just fated to it now.
All that I ask for now is to let me lead a normal life.
I want to live life without a fear, without medications,
A life without hurdles which I am going through
I feel like I'm in a lost world, wandering around.
Seeking for a hand to hold on to,
Can't seem to find one.
People come and go, feelings are crappy,
I want to get out of this.
I wish I'll be able to move on,
But I'm stuck,
To you, I never ceased.
Then things began to change,
And I was lost wondering why.
Things began to rearrange,
And on your priorities list, I wasn't high.
You always seemed distracted,
And of my feelings unaware.
Your feelings of love became acted,
And your heart became unfair.
I finally worked up the courage,
To ask you what was wrong.
Our relationship became a mirage,
One I no longer wanted to prolong.
I don't really know what happened,
You just changed somehow.
Your feelings for me weakened,
And you had to take a bow.
You made me cry me reliving my past,
I listened to you open up to me,
While I allowed my heart to be seen.
How can life be so unfair?
The feelings of lies and despair
Knowing that any day
I will have to pay
For nothing you did
For the fault of others
You sit and think alone
All nightlong, wondering what you did wrong
Wishing nothing ever happened
And you had nothing to do with it
Feeling like no one is there for you
Not knowing what to feel
What to think
Or what to do
Or how anyone can ever help you
Feeling like the world is out to get you
You think and you think even more
But you can’t think
You are so confused
People change
Everything changes
I wish one day my life would change for the better too...

Destiny??

2005-11-10T01:17:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps... I wrote this poem.. been workin on it... read it alrite.. means a lot to me.. wrote it at a point where I almost broke down..

--Destiny--

Sometimes I feel as though my life has ended,
And there's nothing more to hope for.
Maybe it was my destiny to end up this way,
I just hope there's another open door
This door would lead to eternal happiness,
It may even lead to pain,
but whatever it is, I'm willing to accept it,
because I have nothing to lose or gain.
sometimes when I look around myself,
I feel as though someone is looking at me.
I twist and turn in bed at night,
why can't people just let me be?
I try to look at the postive side of things,
but it's just so difficult for me to do so.
I have to learn how to make decisions,
I have to learn how to say no...
I guess I have to leave my ultimate destiny
to the hands of my creator,
I can't help but wonder how my life story will end,
Will I be the prey or the predator...

irritatin crap!

2005-11-09T20:53:00.000+08:00

what kinda father are you
you make me upset and you make me cry
you dont care if i can breath
and you even make me wanna die
i thought you were nice to
then i found out your hatred side
your mean and dont care about anyone else
all you care about is yourself
you yell at me for stupid things
like everything to clothes
but look at you with your old fashion sh*t
im sick of it this blows
i cant stand you anymore
ive had fed up with it long enough
this is the last straw
you have way to many flaws
i hope my mother leaves your lazy a$s
i cant stand you no more
you yell and scream
but no more
no more
so just go back to the bar
i hate you n you hate me
so just get in your car and go away far

diwali is gone...

2005-11-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps.. Sorry 4 the super long update.. Was really busy with diwali preparations and stuff.

Mom put mehndi for me on both my hands.. Front and back for my last Sat performance.. I won the competition!! I'm so glad!!! Hahaha..

Back to diwali...

Diwali was really fun. Met so many new people.. Diwali is actually the last day of the year and the next day is the first day of the new year.. Tuesday was diwali.. Wednesday was new year. Haha… Wore saree for both the days.. Will upload the pics once I get them. Had a great diwali celebration.. It was good to meet people and socialize again. The next day had prayers in the temple in the morning. New year prayers.

Went to gujrati society's lunch today morning. Was forced to go cause Vinit, Neel and the rest forced me haha..
The food was crap.. Forced to eat twice.. My goodness.. But great to meet new people.. Didn’t wear saree today though.. Haha.. Wore punjabi suit.. I liked my outfit haha.. Saw Paresh too.. He told me I looked like I was getting married yesterday.. Haha.. Coz wore saree to the temple.. Nuts la he.. I wore saree+ bangles+ mehndi.. Everythin haha…

My life is still the same… Well whatever.. Yea.. And ther;s this part of this song which means a lot to me--- it's in hindi.. But ill translate it.

Bite dino yaadein rulaaye ...Kaise bhulaaoon main tujhe
--(the memories in the past make me cry…. How can I forget you? )--
Jee chaahta hai saari kahaani ...Aake sunaaoon main tujhe
-- ( my heart tells me to come and tell you how I feel…)--
Saasein thami hai, sapne jale hai… Aankhon mein ashkon ki ghataa
-- ( heartbeat has stopped… dreams has burnt… eyes are swollen)--

Tune mere dil ka sheesha toda ...Beech raaste mein mujhko chhoda
--(u broke the mirror of my heart… left me in the middle of the road)--
Oh, maine tujhse maangi jo hasi to ...Aansuon se naata mera joda
--(I asked you for happiness… left me with tears instead)--

what's is really bothering me??? I don't know...

2005-10-27T12:13:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone.. I'm not in school today.. I'll start with yesterday.. After school went for drama, was really fun. Loved it. Played physical games and all. Had to pretend we were animals, in a gucci shop and stuff. Basically, we did improvisations at drama yesterday. And I did have fun. There's a drama camp coming up and the play - Snow Queen. I really wanna go for both of them. The camp and the play. Gotta give the consent forms by tomorrow. Have to talk to my dad in the evening later. After drama, I went to collect my new specs. Finally. I finally will be able to see in class. Thanks to Carmen and Aisyah for lending me their specs when I was totally--blurr--. Sorry to my group members that I didn’t come school today. Will come school tomorrow alright? Sorry. Was informed that class is really quiet. Haiz. Sorry darlings.

Didn't go school cause chest hurt really bad. I freaked out. My mom was worried cause she as shocked when I threw up in the morning and she told me not to go to school. Besides, Diwali is coming up and there's so much to do. I can’t afford to fall very sick. Checked temperature too and have a fever. I don’t know what's happening. I have to get well soon. Didn’t take medication for a few reasons. Whatever. I miss my old classmates. Miss them a lot. Not that I'm saying that I don't like my new class. Everyone is great in PD0108 as well. Love all of them.

Sometimes in life, when you are away from something, or someone, you just tend to miss them. You realize the importance of them. You realize they were so special to you. I don't wanna loose anyone of my friends cause they are just special. But I'm afraid. I can't take it. Is it an obsession? Things completely occupy my mind. How do you feel when your mind is occupied by something a feeling? Is it an unwanted feeling? How would you think of anything else when the feeling is there?

When things go wrong, everything just seems all down. I try not to give up, I try not to give in. I try to focus less on the outside and look deep within me. What would anyone know about pain of they have never been hurt before? You'll never know about having nothing if you always had more. The late night tears, the fear of being apart, only open ears can hear and closed eyes can't see. I don't want to hold on to 'what ifs' or 'whats going to be'. The past never lasts. There has to be a way to have the present to stay. I don’t want anymore questions, no more lies, no more guesses and no more tries. Hear my laughter, see my cries. Try to touch my soul to feel how I feel inside.

I never knew love could make me feel so sad.. Tears are always in my eyes and I don't have the need to really wonder why. Sorrow remains inside of me as I'm dying. This is not what love is about, isn’t it? I'm deeply departed from the joy that once filled me. I thought I once knew where your feelings lied. But, I was left to mistaken. You tried to move on without a though of what you were leaving behind. Was it love? That is a question that is haunting me. As hollow as it presently seems, I don't want all the grief and anger anymore. I don't want it anymore. You can take it with you, that is if you want to. I don’t want this pain in my life anymore. It's too much for my heart to take. I thought I had more, but I ended up with less. I am drowning in my own sadness. I'm still waiting for you to take this chaos out of my life. I don't want anymore sleepless nights which were filled with thoughts of what we once had. Should I be able to love without regret or to suffer a loss of love and still find it in me to forget? Am I know glad just because I can breather without a question? Can I live life knowing that there will be no more pain from what should bring me release? Will there be no more struggles if my heart is at peace?

I don't know.. I don't even know whether I should know… Whatever..

what do you do when you feel like this???

2005-10-20T19:40:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone, I'm blogging after so long. I got f***ed up from a lot of my friends cause of my previous post. Sorry everyone. I will not do such things again. I shall not say those things again. I'm sorry. I just feel really sad and upset. I hope that I'm ok. But I'm not. I wish I'm fine.. But I'm not. I pray that I get well soon, but I know that's impossible. I feel upset.. Cried a lot just now. I know I shouldn't be doing that. My health isn't getting any better. Feel ignored.

Was Papa Joel's Bdae today… Happy Birthday… was supposed to pon school, but didn't cause my group needed my help… Met them after school though.

Upset…

Said sorry a lot of times, called and smsed the person and everything, cared even though we met at the bus stop for like a min, yeah, ……no comments on what happened…. Don't wanna think about it. Just feel upset. Teared all the way back.

Do you know how it feels like when you are in a crowded room but you feel so alone? Have you ever felt fed up when you are alone? Have you ever heard someone talk when they are not really there and answered them back? Have you ever in anger smacked a wall and blood streamed down your forehead? Have you ever felt frustrated that you can't take it anymore? Ever got out, slammed the door and walked away?

I wished it didn’t happen. I wished I was normal. I wish for my life back. I don't wanna think about it. I am afraid when my chest hurts, afraid when I throw up blood, afraid of everything that reminds me of it. I wanna get cured soon. The pain hurts. It's a horrible feeling. I don’t want to experience it. Please, someone, take it away from me. Please… it scares to see the person in the mirror standing in front of me who is ill. Afraid of seeing the person in the mirror getting pain. Reflects on myself. It hurts to see yourself in the mirror so ill, but still trying to lead a happy life. I smile, I laugh. Ever wondered what I hide behind the smiles and laughter? Think…!

It's not easy to face up to what I have. Think why I said that!

To know the meaning of love, ask someone who has been hurt in love before…
To know the meaning of happiness, ask someone who has laughed till she cried…
To know the meaning of being hurt, ask someone who is hurt to see herself in pain…
To know the meaning of life, ask someone whose life is being snatched away….

I've had a bad day and cried about my past, my mind has hurt and I felt my bad thoughts would last.. Ive been cross and I had to get it out of my ehad. Had a rant, a scream and a shout.. I often do things or put things away, and after a while, I forget like it wasn't today. I've felt happy before this feeling of sadness has pounced on me.. I've been close to someone yet they seemed far away from me. I've felt alone and needed a hug, then needed my space. I have felt so fed up that I rang a friend, but when I was asked what was wrong, I wasn't able to tell them how I felt. I've reached a point where I'm fed up and confused and frustrated. I've been irritated, so as much as all this goes on, these things hurt when you deal with them now and again. Think how it feels when all the day long you're feeling pain.. THINK!

Why do all these things happen to me? I mean, all these things that I get stuck in between. Why do these things take over me? I'm covering my head till I can no longer breathe. I'm grasping all of the air that was left for me. Are you leaving me to die in straight misery? Why do these things make it so hard for me to forget for life and go on the struggle it makes is so agonizing that it leaves me to wish that I were not rising. Why do these things drive me so hard? It never lets me quit, pushes me till I conquer the pain, making my mind scream out of control?

very afraid..,this is wat death wud do...

2005-10-16T03:36:00.000+08:00

I feel so scared,
I'm screwing up,
Making mistakes,
I'm afraid,
Afraid of everything I do,
I can't think straight,
My mind keeps ending up in the same place,
Death,
It scares me,
I don’t wanna think about it,
It makes me cry when I don’t want to,
It haunts me,
I laugh,
I laugh so much,
They think I'm happy,
I'm not,
I'm crying,
Crying like hell,
Bleeding uncontrollably,
I make so many people happy,
Everybody likes me,
I don’t,
I hate me at times,
I scare myself,
I cut myself,
I hurt myself,
I hurt myself more than others can ever hurt me,
It takes me to places I don’t want to go to,
It makes me enter places that haunt me in my sleep,
It tortures me,
It forces me,
It takes me to a dark room,
I'm lonely,
With no windows,
I'm crying,
I cant breathe,
Im scared,
I can't move,
It's coming closer,
Closer,
It's really close,
I feel it really close to me,
Breathing on my face,
Coming even closer,
I can feel it,
Death,
It whispers in my ear,
Can't stop it....

BTW-- Navratri was really fun.

Miss all of u...

2005-10-12T23:29:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps.. Class was boring today.. Sorry my team members.. I never do much except for laughing. Had computing today and that irritating fac.. Everything also downgrade.. Irritating manz!! Yeah,.. So anyway, I was laughing away throughout the entire time and Carmen was laughing too. Poor Janice.. She was stuck haha.. Well, luckily my group members were able to finish the task. Oh ya.. We had to sit according to our heights today. Lame right? Very dumb. Stupid fac.. Everything also downgrade. Haiz..

I met my old classmates during break today. Was really glad to see most of them. Saw-- Jo, Sid, Joel, Xu Fang, Esther, Hong Yuan, Eugene, …. Glad I saw them. They always make me smile. I just love meeting all my friends.. They make me smile. I love going to school cause I see my friends there. Life at home sucks for me. I cancelled class today. Was really tired. My feet hurt very badly actually. Feeling very sick too. Coughed out blood yesterday night. Feel as though it's really confirmed. I'm afraid to go back to the hospital. I do not want to anymore. It's scary. I just wished I didn't go for the operation. It ruined me. There's so many things I can't do. One of the things that I will never stop doing is dancing. It is my passion, my inspiration at this point of time.. Something which I just love doing.

Saw Dee after school.. She only came for drama.. Glad to see her again.. Kinda missed her. I'm glad I've found a friend like her. She really can be trusted. She's a wonderful person. Went to drama.. Everyone was friendly. Which was a good start for me. Left early, met Senal to collect some stuff. Played pool with her for a while. Wanted to watch movie though, but then it would be too late, so we decided to play pool for a while. Yeap, she screwed up Sameer. She just basically got the hell out of him. And he apologised. Wateva. I actually can't be bothered about my past anymore. The past exists cause all we get out of the past is to learn our mistakes and make sure that we do not repeat them again. I would not want my past to be repeated at all again. So what if it's good or bad.. The end was bad.. So fuck it.

Came back home and got whacked from dad cause he found out that my specs broke. They broke quite some time ago but dad said I should carry on wearing them. So I was using them and they suddenly broke and I was like- oh crap!! He saw them today and he remembered that I had an extra pair of spare ones but the degree a little lower only but still can be used. I lent that to Sid actually. I told him I lent it to an ex classmate and he got angry. He banged my head against the wall a lot of times.. My head hurts a lot. Used his belt, as normal as what he always does, whacked my shoulders and back. It hurts a lot. I don't know what is going on in my life. I'm confused about everything. I'm about to give up. I rather get diagnosed with C****R and get away from this world, some where far away where I would not experience this. I don't wanna live in a world full of these kinda stuff.

-- Therz no peace, no actions of love, no understanding, sincerity… -- Its hard to find all these..

I'm sorry Senal. I know that you are mad with me cause you read my previous post. Please give me some time. I need to get myself together and that's why probably I haven't been myself. Senal.. Thanks gal.

Thanks to all my wonderful friends who have always been there for me. Love u all. Dee.. You beta be in school tom.. Muacks..

Take care everyone and don’t worry about me too much. I guess I will be fine. Need some time. Love ya all.. Muacks.

And I have been praying for all of you.

And to all my Muslim friends who are fasting-- Continue having a Happy Fasting Month..

What Am I Feeling??

2005-10-11T20:13:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone. I'm back to blog again. Sorry I took long. Well, had a long day today. School was short though but dance was tiring. My feet hurt!! Very pain… Nevermind. Rest… I really enjoyed myself at navratri last Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It was really cool. Had so much of fun. It is my favourite festival actually. Am so glad I was there and I met my friends. Yeap I met some arse.. But I dun wanna talk about it alright. Dee.. I miss you. I miss my old classmates a lot. I really miss them a lot. Wish I can see all of them as a whole again. Wish there weren't changes. Wished that we didn’t have to deal with changes. People change. Things change. Feelings change. It does hurt to notice this. Just thinking about this brings tears to my eyes. I never thought that my life would change so fast. I lost trust in guys. But I'm glad that I've found people who I know that will always be there for me.

There's this some one special to me. I am sad that I made him hurt last night. I'm sorry. I didn't mean at all to hurt you. I just hope you understand. I probably was very upset about my past experiences and guess they were still inside of me and let out everything that was left. You asked me a question which I didn't answer. It's not that I didn't wanna answer the question but it was just that I wasn't able to answer you cause I knew that I hurt you.

I don't know why but I feel as though I'm running away from love. I have been hurt in it a lot. I don't wanna be hurt again. I don't wanna loose a special person like you. I just hope that what ever we have will always remain. And I'm afraid cause my heart has been fooled many times before. I want to learn to trust 'love' again. But is impossible for me to trust it on my own. I need some one there with me. Someone who will trust me, someone who will believe in me. Some one who is honest.

Haven't answered your question you asked me last night. You asked me what I thought of love. I'm sorry I was not able to answer. I'll tell you what I think of it.

Love….

It is to share a life together. It is to help and encourage each other with smiles and sincere words, to take time to share to listen and care in tender, affectionate ways. It is to build special plans to work together side by side an smile with pride as dreams come true… It is to have someone special, one whom you know you can always depend on, one who you will know that he will be there through the years, sharing laughter and tears as a lover and a friend. To love someone is to make memories, special memories of moments that you would love to recall of all the good things that life brings.

I don’t know whether I have learnt the full meaning of love or being in love or being and loving with you. I hope you understand. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I did not have any intention to hurt you. I'm sorry.

Unwanted feeling...

2005-10-10T01:54:00.000+08:00

I feel a little happy and sad. Happy cause I passed my dance exam and sad cause I feel as though I'm losing a friend. I don’t like this feeling. I've become close to this person and I am glad that we are friends. But somehow, deep down in my heart, I'm heartbroken. I'm worried. I really don’t know what is wrong. If the past few days I've hurt you or made you upset, I'm sorry. I just want to be a friend forever. I don't want to loose you. I wish I didn’t have this feeling. I want it to go away.

I feel like I've known you forever. Although I only met you sometime this year, I feel as though our friendship will remain forever. No matter what, you're always there to listen and help me. All the best, I can confide in you. One of the best things that has happened to me is finding a friend like you, who'll always be there for me. I really am scared and afraid of loosing a friend. Please don't make me feel this way. I don't know whether our friendship is going to work out. You turned my darkness into light, made everything seem alright. You are a blessing, so please don't call yourself a jerk or say that you hate yourself. When I needed you, you were always there. It didn't seem like you didn’t care at all. You always did. That is what makes you special. The world is full of a lot of people, yeah true. But you’re a special friend.

I really don't know what's going on. I do know that you are stressed and confused with your life. All I'm asking from you is a promise that you'll maintain this friendship forever. If it is too much I'm asking for, then I really don't know what to say. But if you can keep this promise, I'll be glad and respect your friendship forever. I never thought I'd feel this way that I am loosing you. What hurts the most, now I know. What I am loosing, becoming alone now.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't know what life is doing to me. I don't want to loose anyone's friendship cause I treasure my friends a lot. I love each and every one of my friends. Loosing a friend is not easy. I've gone through it and I don’t want to go through it again. I understand your reason for being upset. You said you cheated me. It's hard for me to believe that cause I trust you. I did not even feel one bit upset when you told me how you felt. That is how much I trust you. The word 'trust' is not an easy word for me. Not many can be trusted. But I do trust you.

All I want to know is why the sudden distance? Why do I feel as though you are ignoring me? Why do I feel as though I'm going t loose a friend? Why do I feel hurt? Why am I upset? What can I do to make you feel better?

I'm lost.. Am hurt.. Am upset.. Am confused..

Now that I know that there are questions to be answered, I probably will not even be myself. I need my friend back.

2005-10-07T00:06:00.000+08:00

Well, I am very pissed off. Not only with myself. With everything. Firstly, with Sameer. I went on with Amit last time and he didn’t like it cause he wanted to be with me. But I just didn’t want to be with him. He seemed to be very possesive. So I said no. And when I went on with Amit, he didn’t like it at all. So he started irritating me with calls and his friends kept staring at me and stuff. So that's the usual guy thingie which always happens. I ignored it actually. Didn’t bother much about anything that happened. He stopped bothering me after that.

So life went on for me. Had another guy, broke up. Life's like that. Sameer found out that I went on then broke up, and went on and broke up again (that is after I met Sameer) . One of my friends Varun is close to me. Unfortunately for me, Sameer and Varun are good friends. But Varun has never said or mentioned anything about Sameer to me cause he knew we weren't on talking terms.

Back to what happened and why I am pissed off…

Sameer got my dad's number from Varun's hp. Varun and my dad know each other. He is close to me and my family and does help my family in organizing parties and dinners. Sameer called up my dad and said that I was holding a guy's hand and hugging him last week. WTF. I was at class all the time. And please… I'm single. I would only do that to my guy. And I have no idea what else he said and my dad was very pissed off. He called me at school. I didn’t know what to do. I met Senal and Rohit after school. Talked to them. She was damn angry and she called him and scolded him a lot. I cant control her anger. Rohit was shocked. Varun came down in the evening, went temple with me and I cried a lot. Was at fort canning before that and my eyes became red and swollen from all the crying. After school went class but injured so I told my teacher that I cant dance. He said nvm and let me go back.

Yeap, so after that story-- I got whacked and all when I came back home. Guess I am probably getting used to it. But I wasn't in the mood for being whacked up after a terrible day. I had a bad day. A terrible one. My dad obviously didn't believe me as he has this thing in his mind-- his daughter is the biggest liar in the world. Oh wait!-- I probably am not even his daughter or he doesn’t count me as his daughter. I dunno. But seriously, wateva. Am sick of it. Very sick of it. Guess just gotta be more patient.

My dance exam tomorrow. Back hurts ( bruises all over cause of the whacking) , head hurts, both feet hurt. I dunno what is wrong with my life now. It sucks. The feeling sucks. I feel very fucked up. I dunno what’s going on. I need hope. I need a light to find my way.

I'm sorry if I haven't been myself lately.

me back again kakaka

2005-10-04T22:21:00.000+08:00

Hey every1., Im back again. Wonder from wher.. haha.

Well, got whacked actually cause I did not give my dad the money which I earned from teaching. Seriously, I really am pissed off. Its my cash, my hard work and I deserve it. The cash wasnt much too, cause it was just the payment made to me by 1 group. The cash is my rights, or at least I may have partial rights to it. For example, at least half of it can be used by me. But no, he says that Im careless and spend money in a rush. And yes, he also mentioned that Im not wise when it come to saving money. Like whateva. How am I supposed to save money when im given so little.

The issue here is not about money. I seriously have not complained to my dad cause its of no point. The issue here would probably be about my rights. I am working on my own will as Im not getting enough. I do understand that my dad is having a hard time earning income during the past few weeks. That is the reason why Ive started teaching again. And instead of keeping all the cash, I will definitely give my parents half of what I am earning. Even though they do give me hard times, they still are my parents.

By just keeping all of it would be unfair to them. They are indeed working very hard to earn money and again I stress that the reason for me working is to help myself and them. They gotta help me too man! All Im asking for is half of it. It is enough to last me for a month actually. Im not a spendthrift. I dont go shopping unless I have extra cash to spend. Yeah.. so I just hope Im being fair to them.

Yeap so.. am I emotionally hurt or physically abused.. or both???

I really dont know..

Im trying hard to improve situations at home though they r hard.. it does hurt when u get whacked up with a belt continously... But seriously, I really do not know anything better I could do besides keeping quiet and tolerating.

I just dont wanna spark them off..

in class!!

2005-10-04T12:58:00.000+08:00

hey peeps.. me in PD0108.. haha.. my new class.. yeap sherlyn still in my class hehe.. luckily.. haha

well.. i do miss PJ0102 a lotttt... n i also did make new frenz yesterday..

today mornin went sch then went cafe w dee.. hehe.. then samuel, yong quan and kian wai also came hehe.. had ice milo!!!! n i entered class juz nice 4 class to start.. hehe ... my class sooo small. the size of a toilet bowl hahaha... itz superrr small.. smaller than PJ0102!!! no fair... last time i used to dance around in class... now cannot!! nooo fair..... no plc to even walkk also... haiz.... poor me

dee's class bigger than mine!! PE0106 !!!!!!!!!! no fair dee... they bastard me because of u... haiz... poor ash.. no 1 pity me sia.. hahahahhahahaha .. k i mad alreadyy

juz came back frm cafe n sp... haha.. nice 2 see sid, wan, george n alam.. haha.. they all siao as usual.. dee also came hehe..

im so glad i quit smoking... yeap its tempting but im controllin.. i juz cannot start again..

my fren is mad-- slide down railings.. went dee's class then was coming up n he nicely can skate.. wa lau!! high noe the stairs.. i think he skate too much alreadi... hahahaha... crazy sia.. haha.. er.. he slide down the purple railing also... wa lau... (er... a bit crazy).. haha

well.. in class.. waiting for presentation to start!! i made neww frenz-- janice.. jasmin.. carmen. aisyah.. jing hong n razi.. haha..

lalalalala.. ashz signin out.. till later... byeeeeeeeeeeee

cant change it..

2005-09-27T00:41:00.000+08:00

Ive learnt one very important thing- i cant change the way i feel inside..

I try to put on a fake smile but it doesnt work.. well, as far as im concerned, it doesnt work for me. Im feeling fucked up.. I just pretend therz nothing wrong, but seriously, everything is wrong. For me at least. Im worried about everything.

Someone just told me that I lack myself today. What he meant was I am not selfish and that's a bad thing. Well, I really dont know whether Im being too nice or wat sometimes. But Im just being myself. I do not like hurting people. I rather get hurt myself but hurt others. Its dumb,, its stupid.. its lame... its an idiotic thought,... but what do u expect me to do?

All those bastards who r glad that im single now-- FUCK OFF...

Im sick of being hurt... sick of being used... sick of being betrayed.. sick of being upset.. sick of crying... so just fucking fuck off... thanks

And yes, life does go on for me.. so wat?? It goes on fer every1.. so stop tellin me to move on.. im not interested in any relationship. I fear it. I fear being in one. All you can do is dream abt it.. You r not gonna get me...

like wateva ...

get lost..

leave me alone

whueva u r

just leave me alone...

i rather rot then be with u

so simply fuck off

thanks 4 ur cooperation

bye!

I Guess You Just Don't Know How Much It Hurts

2005-09-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

I guess you just don't know how much it hurts.
I cannot think you know and just don't care.
Destiny provides one's just deserts
By turning out one just as would be fair.
Just as a child learns to its delight
That lying sets one fabulously free,
So you say "love" to get the rapture right,
Getting so the most you can from me.
And then, of course, you tire of your pleasure,
As those who seek but pleasure often do,
And sacrifice by far the greater treasure
Upon the altar where you worship you.
Justice would demand you be the fool,
But you are far more ignorant than cruel

stop falling for me...

2005-09-21T01:46:00.000+08:00

I ain't looking for a steady thing
I ain't looking for what love brings
I’m still young and I ain’t ready babe
I’m still looking for some better days
I don't want to give you everything
I just want to make you feel things
If you ain't down to give me everything
Just throw it away

Don’t assume cause I’m a woman that I’ll fall in love
Don’t expect I'm young and need to be took care of
Don’t wanna hear you've got what I need
Cause how would you know before we speak
You’ve got to understand my side
I´ve had a crazy, crazy life
Nobody came along to open up my eyes
You better take what you can get
Don’t even bother with my heart
If I get a feeling I won't let it start

I ain't looking for a steady thing
I ain't looking for what love brings
I’m still young and I ain’t ready babe
I’m still looking for some better days
I don't want to give you everything
I just want to make you feel things
If you ain't down to give me everything
Just throw it away

Please believe me I’ve been down this road and back again
Learned a lesson and it was that love is not a friend
The day I put my trust in you
Will be the day I say 'I do'
Don’t expect me just to open up
Maybe I’m just a little scared
Please don't tell me what you think I wanna hear
Oh baby save it I’ve heard it all before
There ain't nothing you could say
Ohhh to make me change my mind

I ain't looking for a steady thing
I ain't looking for what love brings
I’m still young and I ain’t ready babe
I’m still looking for some better days
I don't want to give you everything
I just want to make you feel things
If you ain't down to give me everything
Just throw it away

So stop falling
Stop falling
You know you're falling, for me.
Stop falling
Stop falling.
Stop falling, for me

You’ve got to understand my side
I've had a crazy, crazy life
Nobody came along to open up my eyes
Oh baby, take what you can get
Don’t even bother with my heart
If I get a feeling I won't let it start

I ain't looking for a steady thing
I ain't looking for what love brings
I’m still young and I ain’t ready babe
I’m still looking for some better days
I don't want to give you everything
I just want to make you feel things
If you ain't down to give me everything
Just throw it away

Stop falling, mmmmm...yeah

The Pain Will Never Go Away.....

2005-09-20T02:33:00.000+08:00

The pain will never go away;
The wound will never heal.
The evil that was done to you
Is now your eyes, your heart.

The black will never turn to gray;
The blood will not congeal.
The violence is never through;
The past does not depart.

Time will merely make you whole,
Consuming what you are:
Part sufferer, part comforter,
Part victim, part new song;

Part mother of an angry soul,
Part child of despair,
Part witness and part conqueror
Of all that did you wrong.

chalett...PJ0102

2005-09-15T02:42:00.000+08:00

Hey.. the chalet was great! i enjoyed myself.. every single min of it.. Was drunk.. but ok alreadi.
here are some pics..--

i makin garlic bread.. hong yuan helpin me hehehehe

all the pantats....

george is a clown.. he spoil the photo.. always extra... come in my limelight..

nothing unusual for me.. i c this all the time,.. juz more pantats... ttz all... the pantats doing their thing.. hehehe...

ill blog more abt the chalet another day alrite... in the mean time.. take care all u peeps...

had no choice..

2005-09-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

I guess life is just like that after all. Everytime I hope for something, I fall. I try to get up, I fall again. I always land up back where I started from. Sometimes we just have to choose and do something that we dont wanna do... Do I live my life with you or go on and pursue my lifetime dream? I gotta do this for myself... If I don't, I'll regret it... how would I cope?

How wuld I cope when I know that the love is not there... There's nothing I can do about it. How would I deal with this fact? I gotta take it through the heart breakin,..It is someting that I had to do.. But nobody said that it would hurt so bad.. How do i deal???

It;s killing me ti know that ur heart is still with me... Is what you see all when you think about it? ButI cant help it as this is the life that I was given.. So, I will have to live it to the fullest...but how do i deal wi.....out..........

How do u deal when you cant be with the one you love?? You just deal with it. You have no choice.. btw.. tt was from ( How to deal by Frankie J) ... The song is great... made me cry..

I guess I gotta cope with it.. No choice but to deal with it.. All I wanna do now is to question myself. Why? That was the only option left. Sometimes by sacrificing something, you probably gain in another.. Im being an optimist here... Im sick of letting myself be physically and emotionally being abused.. All I wanna do now is work on the situation I am facing at home and solve it. Hopefully things will then get better for me...

I hope so...

its over

2005-09-08T00:51:00.000+08:00

i wished 4 a hand by my side..
wished tt things wudnt work out this way...
wished tt i lead a normal life...
wished ther were no pits at all..
wished 4 a companion by my side..
wished i was understood...
i need sum1 to understand me..
its over...
im single...
unavailable.. dun bother me...
i lost the meaning of trust..
i cant find myself back up again..
am waiting 2 b picked up..
need a helping hand..
im not complaining...
we both know tt it is better if we juz let it go...

feel like crap

2005-09-07T01:58:00.000+08:00

I feel like crap...
feel like shit..
feel fucked up..
feel pissed off..
feel angry..
feel rejected...
feel neglected..
feel ignored..
feel snubbed..
feel thrown out...
feel unaccepted..
feel infuriated..
feel miserable..
feel unhappy..
feel wretched..
feel dejected..
feel desolated..
feel abandoned..
feel deserted..
feel on my own..
feel unaccompanied..
feel confused...
feel muddled..
feel fucked up..

once again,
i feel as though im walking the roads in life all alone...
i juz hope my situation i am is understood...
i dun wish to blame anyone for the outcome of my life...
i walked along a road....
i fell into a pit,..
got up, collected myself.. walked on the road again,,
hoped for a better life..
saw myself... felt happy...
but..
fell into a pit again...
im stuck in it..
unable to get up..
unable to cry out...
had a shoulder to lean on...
wat am i feeling?
guess it's an obsession..
pretending as if there is nothing wrong...
is what i am doing right?
i really dont know...
im in a fucked up mess..
i probably guess it is jus an obsession..
i want to think that it is not real..
but im living in it every second...
i dont have another choice...
im cherishing every moment i have in denial..
is this the way it shud be worked out as?
im still in the pit...
waiting to be helped out with...
it hurts inside..
it is not the physical pain which hurts..
more of the emotional pain...
the unwanted emotional pain..
i hope this feeling will go away soon...

2005-09-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

This is to PJ 0102

A whole semester of six months has passed, and I feel as though a part of me is separating. It feel sucks. I met wonderful people during this period of time and I would never want to forget them. They will always be remembered…. I’ll keep all of you safe in my heart….

I will miss all the great times I had with all of you. I will treasure all the great moments I spent with each and everyone of you. These are my friends, my classmates, my unique PJ0102. This is going out to all of PJ0102.

Dedicated to: Sandy, Joel, Dee, Kian Wai, Yong Quan, Shahidah, Hong Yuan, Josephine, Wan, Eugene, Esther, Sid, Nawa, Izzu, Sherlyn, Samuel, Michelle, Jacky, Chan & Xu Fang.

Also to my wonderful facilitators who are nothing less than friends : Dr Alvin Chan, Mr Cedric Tan, Mdm Marionne Neubronner, Mr Alvin Tay & Mdm Eng Yong Yong.

What I found in PJ0102:

- friendship

Special poems which I would like to share with all of my classmates, meant especially for all of you for being the best of PJ0102. It would show how much I will miss all of you.

-----------

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift,
A friends is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift.
A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace
And makes the whole world we live in a better and happier place.

---------

People need people and friends need friends
And we all need love for a full life depends
Not on vast riches or great acclaim,
Not on success or on worldy fame,
But just in knowing that someone cares
And holds us close in their thoughts and prayers-
For only the knowledge that we're understood
Makes everyday living feel wonderfully good,
And we rob ourselves of life's greatest need
When we "lock up our hearts" and fail to heed
The outstretched hand reaching to find
A kindred spirit whose heart and mind
Are lonely and longing to somehow share
Our joys and sorrows and to make us aware
That life's completeness and richness depends
On the things we share with our loved ones
and friends.

----------

It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends.
Friendship is a strange thing---
we find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives,
things we don't even share with our families who raised us.
But what is a friend?
A confidant?
A lover?
A fellow email junkie?
A shoulder to cry on?
An ear to listen?
A heart to feel?...
A friend is all these things...and more.
No matter where we met,
I call you friend.
A word so small yet so large in feeling,
a word filled with emotion.
It is true great things come in small packages.
Once the package of friendship has been opened,
it can never be closed.
It is a constant book always written
waiting to be read and enjoyed.
We may have our disagreements, we may argue,
we may concern one another,
friendship is a unique bond that lasts through it all.
A part of me is put into my friends,
some it is my humor,
some it is my listening ear,
some it is real life experiences,
some it is my romanticism
but with all, it is friendship.
Friendships forged are a construct stronger
than steel built as a foundation,
necessary for life
and necessary for love.
Friends----you and me
You brought another friend
and then there were 3.
We started our group
Our circle of friends
and like that circle
Tthere is no beginning or end...

----------

I’ll really miss PJ01012.

Untitled

2005-09-01T10:49:00.000+08:00

I love the song Untitled-- by Simple Plan. It's so meaningful. Just love it. It has great meaning. I feel really upset cause im gonna be changing class and ill miss all my classmates.

Well, i skipped class today, cause heard computing realli sucked today. So I didnt go. Anywaez, i dun wanna change class. I agree that managing change is a part of a process of life. But i dun wan tt to happen when i met wonderful classmates. I love all of them. We are PJ0102. But, we call it Pantat 0102. Im gonna miss then a lot. It sux leaving all of them. I so wish that we r all not gonna b separated man! I hate it!! I dun wanna change class. I love everyone in class.

This is what I wrote for cedric's RJ-- He gave us the same title as last week-- "Tell me anything that you want" .. so this is wat i wrote:

The semester is going to end soon and I am going to miss my classmates a lot. In fact, I am going to miss all of them. I had a great time being in this class and it does make me upset that we are not going to be in a class anymore. I do not think I have ever had such wonderful classmates in my entire education life. Coming to RP, being in PJ0102 has left great memories which I will treasure forever. There are sweet memories which can never be forgotten and these memories have been made with every single person in my class. Everyone is unique in my class. They have their own personal style, their own way of enjoying, their way of doing anything. Each of them is a unique character and I cannot find anyone else to replace them. As a class, we have always helped each other in every difficulty from presentations to problems faced not relating to school. I am sure that they will always be a part of me and I wish I did not have to manage this change about having to change class.

Firstly, I will talk about Dee, Sandy and Joel (DJ^AS). Well, they have been very close to me, we shared problems, helped each other out of difficulties and of course having loads of fun together. I will definitely miss the three of them the most. Dee is a kind of person who likes to live life and be happy. She enjoys happiness and loves to have fun. It actually depends on what her mood is and then she reacts to the situation. For Sandy, she is an emotional person. Sometimes she is a little blur though, but she’ll try her best to help you. Joel has always been giving me good advices whenever I tend to do something wrong. He counsels me a lot. Sometimes, I do get a little frustrated with the counseling talks he gives me but in the end when I reflect, he gives me the talks because he cares. I appreciate his honest opinions he gives me and I respect him. I need not tell him things sometimes, he understands.

For Esther, I need not say much. She’s a simple girl who used to be very quiet and shy at first, but it is quite obvious that she’s not that anymore. I am glad that she has been a part of the class. She does take a lot of pride in her work, does everything neatly and organizes her time very well. She cheers me up whenever I am feeling down and is very caring. I do take the bus with her in the morning at times and she offers to carry my bag for me even though she has a lot of things to carry! She offers to help everyone about every single thing and we just turn down her offers.

For Kian Wai, he is a very sweet and humble guy. He does have a lot of respect for girls which is very obvious in the way he speaks with them. He definitely is great at imitating people and does it really well! He is a good listener, always comforting me and is very caring too. He is a simple person and I feel that he is a good motivator. He does motivate me at certain times when I get too stressed up with the workload and tend to give up.

For Sid, we have one thing in common. We can speak the same language. Well, we can communicate in it and can talk about anything. He scolds me at certain times when I put too much sugar in my coffee. He is a great friend and matured too. He handles problems and misunderstandings maturely by listening to both sides of the story.

For Hong Yuan, he takes pride in his work and we do work well in a team for Enterprise Skills. We understand each other well and are able to come up with good ideas for out presentation. He is matured and also gives a lot of respect to all the girls in the class. He is very humble and he is sometimes very enthusiastic about certain things. He demonstrates good class spirit in our class.
For Samuel and Yong Quan, we are always disturbing each other. It demonstrates the spirit we have in our class.

Josephine has been a great friend. We had good times together. She makes a good leader as she is able to manage teams and is responsible. She has a great personality and I'll really miss the times I had fun with her.

Nawa and Shahidah have been great friends and though we are not that close, I can still say that I will not forget them. Deep down, I know that they will always be there for me.
The rest of them have also been very caring and been there for me.

Each of us have demonstrated good class spirit and I am very proud to be a part of this wonderful class. In this short period of time, we have bonded as a class and have really enjoyed each other’s company. I love my classmates and I will really miss them a lot, especially all the memorable times we have had in this six months.

Well, that it..

I seriosuly will miss all of them and I dun wanna chnage class. With such wonderful personalitites and uniqueness in each of them and it's hard to leave them. They are Pantats.. These are some of the pics we took in class..

Firstly-- this is DJ^AS :

Thats -- Dee, Joel on top and Me and Sandy below. Wat a nice pic isnt it?? love them man.. will miss them loads... n DJ^AS will always remain pantats.. hehe... Will realli miss all of u a lot man.. muaccccckzzzz

------

Thats Dee, me and Sandy. Took that photo in the toilet.. hehe.. we juz pantat-ing hehe.. ok well, we look funny ther.. but admit it.. nice pic rite?? obv man-- itz taken by us and the 3 of us.. of coz it'll b nice wat.. hehe

------

Thats Sandy and Dee.. my two best girlfrenz-- girl and frenz.. hehe.. Love u both..

-----

On top: George, Sid, Wan

Below: Me, Sandy, Dee

The Pantat faggers-- George extra--- not from our class hehee.. he one clown la.. If im not in class, it means ill b w them at SP( swimming pool) hehe... my fav peeps.. im gonna miss them.

-----

Sandy and Me, ... shez a great person. A great listener.... Will miss all the times we had fun together..

-----

Dee and Ash.. Love this gal-- shez a great person!! muackz.. always been ther 4 me...

--------

Me and Nawa.. shez very sweet... adorable right she???

-----------

Me sitting on the table in class- PJ0102... nuttin to do.. very sian.. so juz sit hehe

-----

Well, thats juz e few of us... ther r loads more of the pantat-ers from PJ0102..

Im seriosly gonna miss all of them.. just wish RP's system wasnt like tt... and cant wait 4 our chalet... Love u all and will miss every single one of u... And wher eva u all go, alwayz rememba tt therz sum1 whu keeps all of u in her prayers..

Wish all of u the best in ur future endeavours... muackkkzzz

Best wishes to all of u always..

Lots of love,

Ashz

hurt emotionally & physically

2005-08-21T01:18:00.000+08:00

Juz got back a while ago, been irritated and yes, hurt and fucked. Nothing new anyway. My life goes on fer me like this everyday.
I'll start with last night - whacked up again. Reason: I came back home 5 mins late and my bro left for tuition so I wasnt able to give him dinner. I dont get one thin. My bro didnt complain abt me not giving him dinner. Then why did y dad make such a big fuss out of it? To tell u the truth- I haf no idea. Im goin crazy. Im goin nuts. I cant freakin take it anymore. Came back home, called my dad- Papa, I reached home already. He said- wherz ur bro? I said-he left. Dad- He left without u givin him food? How irresponsible can u get? .... I was angry but controlled it. Who the heck wont get angry? Itz not as if my bro didnt eat. You skip a meal you wont die man! I mean seriosuly, Im sick of it. I am able to control my anger but unable to control my tears. Seriously. That is freakin true. I juz pray that this gets over very soon.
About what happened today--
I got up quite late and he got so angry. First time I eva got up so late man! That was cause I was tired and slept. He started scoldin me. This is what he said- " what nonsense r u up to? why did u get up so late. dun u haf any common sense. any brains to get up early? u neva gonna get anywher in life like this. u neva gonna come up in ur life. u r irresponsible." Like WTF. I got up late cause my body ached from last nite's whacking. I am responsible. Thats y i am working. I get up early than you 5 times a week. I have an aim in my life and Im working towards tt. I dun slack in sch alrite. I do work hard. He also said- "when i meet up with ur teachers, im gonna tell them u wake u late n r lazy" FUCK YOU MAN! Just cause I got up late once... fuckin hell.. u makin a big fuss out of it?! And Im very sure my teachers( facs) wont agree that Im lazy cause deep down I know I am not. If i waz lazy, i wudnt b bothered goin to sch, wudnt b bothered doin any work on class.. Got whacked up juz now cause I woke up late. My mom has been starting to side my dad.. so I cant trust her anymore.
Earlier--- My used to be best friend msn me and ask me to call her. The whole group dunno abt me n Rick. It wud cause a lot of probs. So i didnt tell them. They all noe Rick too. I dunno wat happened and my 3 used to be best frenz bombed me on e phone. They know Im having fucked up probs at home and still.. I denied that I wasnt goin on or anythin. I feel as if I lost them. They dun gif a fuck or shit abt me anymore. When I have probs, they r not there. When I broke up with my ex, they made a huge fuss abt it. And now, they makin a fuss abt it. They like make a fuss abt my small little faults and intrude into my life and make my faults seem huge even tho they r not. None of them has taken the initiative to even call me or sms me even once or even msn me first.. not even once in e past 2 months. Talking abt best friends, I cant seem to trust them anymore. Its so hard for me to trust any1 alreadi. Its realli hard.

Feel Fucked Up

2005-08-11T08:17:00.000+08:00

Yay!!! Am in school. Well peeps.. Sandy sitting nex to me.. Hi Sandy hehe..
Just felt like blogging cause I miss Rick so much.. Fuck! I feel so irritated cause I cant do anything I want. My dad is controlling me too much. WTF?! Anywaez,, I dun wanna talk abt it much now. It'll just spoil my day but I miss Rick a lot lot lot lot lot..

ok...

2005-08-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

ok.. me bored.
Got home some time ago n watched movie!! W dee,, supposed 2 b with class.. but looong story. Anywaez.. watched charlie and the choc factory n dee was behind me i was in frnt of her hahaha funny ... The movie was good man!! haha
I felt like a bloody travelling agent today. From orchard, to farrer park to clarke quay and back to farrer park today. Stupidddd bro of mine took the keyz frm me.. then i had no keys man!! irritatin right? Idiotic idiot stoooopid bro of mine.!!!!

Feelin beta i guess..

2005-08-04T19:53:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps...i think Im feeling better.. Will b back in school tom.. Miss class... Felt really bored at home..super bored..nothing to do at home..
Ive been sleeping and sleeping.. Like a sleeping beauty hehe
I miss my classmates..
Feel like shit actually..Haven met him for super long.. I miss him a lot.. Love u Rick.. Muackz..
Sux man.. My dad is irritating..

29th July 2005

2005-07-29T17:58:00.000+08:00

Feeling very sick. Had Basic Science today and the fac is a real *****. Im not saying this alone. It's just that she shows us a lot of attitude. WTF?! Fuck it man. She's a sort who wont change. She doesnt even tell us whether we r right or wrong man! All we ask for is just for her to tell us whether we are right. We r not askin for the god damn asnwers manz! WTF..
Anywaez, Fuck it. Im feeling very very very sick. Ive been coughing and coughing. I dont know what is wrong with me. Super sick. I tried eating something just now but cant cause I threw up blood. My chest hurts a lot. Didnt take my medicine yesterday night too cause cant eat. Keep throwing up. I just take small bites. This feeling is scary. Just hope ill get better by tom cause gotta go early for the sign language course thingie. I dont mind going to school cause its fun. Im keeping myself busy so I dont think of the crappy things going on.

Itz jus the same....

2005-07-25T20:55:00.000+08:00

This feeling sucks...i skipped computing today and I had the feelings coming back 2 me again..I noe itz god helping me but itz a scary feeling. I did have fun today, skipped with Dee, Sandy and my darling came too..He so sweet..I love him..I love him so so so much...I really miss him a lot now.

Life has been going on pretty ok I guess, just having ups and downs. I dont wanna complain much. Itz juz a part of life's journey which everyone has to follow. But a question arises- Y am I the one who has a lot of crap but I do everything to make everyone around me happy. I guess I cant hide it anymore. I trust those who are reading my blog- It is a shocking news which I have hid from a lot of people. They cudnt be trusted anyway. But now, I just have to let it out. I cant take the hurt inside anymore. The feeling sucks.

It explains all here : ---

Ill make it simple and short.
I went for a back operation in the start of last year-Jan 2004 cause my back has been giving me problems since I was 12. It became very bad so had no choice but to do the operation. And after that, during my hospital stay, something went wrong. The scar would not heal. Pus and blood kept coming out of it. My doctor said he would want to cut open the wound and clean the inside and check what was wrong. He screened me and after the second operation which took place 5 days after the 1st operation, he told me that I have cancer cells in my back.
I didnt know how to react. My family was very stunned. The news came as a sudden shock to all of them. Each and everyone in my family were very shocked. So was I. The feeling was really bad. I really do not know why this has happened to me---I dunno why I deserve this.
I go for regular check ups and laser treatment which helps to prevent the cancer cell growth. My condition is still the same. The only hope I have is medication. My life depends on fucked up medication. Isnt it so weird? I neva had any control in my life b4. I have neva done anything in my life which I enjoy so much which I really wanted without asking any1's permission. And now, my life depends on medication--tablets...and treatment??!!!
Wat sorta life am I living? I dont even know whether there is another tomorrow. That is the reason why I live everyday to its fullest. I have fun every single day. The least I do is try to have fun everyday. I dunno how long more this is gonna last but Im standing on the edge of life and death. Im sorry to every1 out there who Ive hid this from. Itz just a point Im going through now that I cant take it anymore. I cant bear to live life depending on some stupid tablets. The only reason I take my medication is for someone special. -- Rick-- He really gave me the strength to live life again and forget about everything else. And that is one of the many reasons I love him so much. No matter what, I know deep down, he'll always be there for me. I miss him...

2005-07-21T20:20:00.000+08:00

Feeling a little like shit actually....
Met up with my ex today, he said the same old thin-
' Please give me one more chance, it all happened unknowingly. If things were really bad, you should have told me about it and you should be more serious and tell me that you are on the verge of breaking up with me then I would have taken things more seriosuly...'

That's what shit he said.. He just left me thinking that if I actually tell him that we are on the verge of breaking up then only he'll take things seriously and change. But if I talk to him without mentioning break ups then he'll try to change only..wat fuck is that?! It just doesnt make any sense to me. I think it's realli stupid and very very very dumb. I dont understand that crap man! He asked me whether we'd be the same again and I said NO. All I wanetd to do was say thr truth from the bottom of my heart and nothing else. I dont wanna build a friendship or anything based on a fucked up lie cause I know how it feels. Been thru it alreadi. When I said NO, he became upset..but what do you want me to do? Lie and get hurt myself??? No way. Ive passed that stage. Im not gonna make myself do that sorta thing. Just because Im a sot person doesnt mean you can twist your words man! Fuck YOU!

Well, it sucks, it just hurts, I feel as though the world's closing in on me. He turned out to be a bastard.. I trusted him so much.. Loved him a lot. Trusted him more than myself. My Best fren- Amz also --i dunno why she is behaving this way. I just feel that she's changing. She doesnt call me anymore, doesnt reply to my msgs, doesnt bother replying me on msn anymore too.
Its really fucked up. I dont deserve all these, even the rest of the group doesnt bother anymore. At a point of time, we were all so close, only after they talked to him, they changed. Itz so unfair. I pray everyday that nothing of the sorta stuff which has happened to me would happen to any1 else. I realli didnt do anything so wrong that I deserve this. It means breaking friendship with a person whom I trusted for 7 years. Not only that, we see each other everyday for 5 years and we stay opposite each other.

That is very fucked up. I only have one thing to say, for those out there who have been beside me thru this, thank you so much DJ^AS and obv not forgetting my classmates. And most importantly Rick-- hez been ther for me every second. I love you so much. And thank you so much for being there for me. I really, sincerely from the bottom of my heart appreciate it so much and you do mean a lot to me. I love you a lot. Muackz...I miss you now...

HeyyYYyyYY

2005-07-18T20:24:00.000+08:00

Im back, Well..Just felt like blogging. Anyway, so sorry for not updating my blog 4 so long. Contented with my present life. Am very very very glad.

Jus to update you guys on things happening relating to the past, me ex called me up last night and he was so possesive. Lame sia. Felt kinda fucked up cause he kept asking me back. He pleaded a million times and so did his mom too. Both of them call me up everyday. And from speaking to his mom for the past few days, just found out something, she wants me to get back with him coz he having important exams (O levels) and she doesnt want him to do badly. How about me? I felt she was being very selfish by saying that.

No way am I going back to him. Firstly, I realised I am doing better at school and communication with my dad has improved a little. He used to give me a lot of problems. Guess that was one of the reasons I didnt like talkin much at home too. I am doing better at school now and I refuse accepting him back.

Is it fair to me that she wants me to go back with him just cause of his exams? How about my studies? I was doing badly when I went on with him...now Im improving. He was always so selfish in our relationship. So why cant I be selfish about this matter. I DO want to achieve something in my life. And ill do anything within my reach to achieve it.

And he wants to meet me alone. I do not want to. Im jus giving him excuses and excuses. CAnt help it. And when he called me last nite, he said he gonna lose temper and all. And he said- I never loved him..never cared about him..never trusted him...blah blah blah..

I do admit I dont love him anymore. But I used to last time. Not anymore. So how can he assume that I didnt. Im not a dumb person that ill trust some1 whom I dont love. My friends were right, he is fucking immature...They were so right- He doesnt deserve me..

I am just feeling upset about a matter which is affecting me... He manipulated one of my close friends and told her stuff about me that now she doesnt talk 2 me much anymore... It just hurts that a friend of yours...who was so close to you..can believe a bastard like..and she said that hez a bastard...i dunno wat else to say..

Anywae, i juz miss u so much rick..muackz

HEy!!!ZzzZzzZzZz

2005-07-13T09:37:00.000+08:00

Morning!! In class now, gonna be doing debate!! And guess what?! My group rules hahaha..Well, we are the best man haha. Anyways, we'll be deciding the rules and regulations for the debate and it is gonna be so cool.. Looking forward to it.
Well, am in class now, having communications!! My fac changed group..so now Im with Sandy haha...can disturb her hehe.
And guess wad?!! I met my darlin after school yesterday and he was soo super sweet. Love him. Miss him.. hehe.. We had fun haha. He's really mad trust me peeps. He memorised the whole clip of the jerky boys thingie haha..itz so funny..Wa lau eh! Make me laugh a lot noe...hahaha

Ok..got bad news also..my ex called me at 2.15 am...WTF? I was sleeping after I spoke to my darling..and he wants to meet me today..I dunno wat to do. I was freaking sleeping and he called me and I ws so blur!! Was sleeping man! He didnt wanna put down also...I just hanged up coz wtf sia...I told him I have something on coz I dun wanna spoil my mood meeting tt stupid fucked up piece of shit who is nuttin but a bastard. ( Long la my swear words all haha- cant help it hahaz)...Well, he msg me today morning n said he wanted to meet me again after school...Im just afraid of one thing-- What if he comes to my school..That's scary...ill kick his arse if he comes down man...I just wish he'lls top bothering me and he still sms me n all n says he loves me even on e phone! He calls me darlin! WTF man!!

Guess wad???-- My darling might come pick me up frm sch today haha...YAY...Can see him today...hehe
Love u darlin...muackz...n i miss u like crazy...*hug

Bored to death...

2005-07-06T09:48:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps..to all my friends out there, thank you all so much for being there for me. I just wish this will pass soon..

Im really upset I didnt know that he told that stupid lie to someone. Im so upset cause I cant do anything about it at all. If I confront him and ask him about this, Amitab, Kiran and everyone else is gonna get in trouble. Im not that inconsiderate that for my own sake, I become selfish and not think about what problems they will face once I bring up this matter.

I felt like shit yesterday too and even now. I cant do anything about it. My close friends knew about this matter quite a long time ago but they refused to tell me. They only hid the matter from me as they'd know how hurt I'd get. Thanks you guys- Amz, Amitab, Ibrahim, Shaista and Mohini for being my side. All I really wished I could do is confront him. He's not a girl, so obviously he wont get affected by it at all. It's always us- girls, woman or whatever- who get affected by things even though it's not our fault or it's a lie.

I just wish he wouldn't go and tell anyone this stupid lie,...it may ruin my life..

Hey..im feeling like shit

2005-07-04T12:07:00.000+08:00

hey peeps...i finally am single..but he wont leave me alone...itz realli irritatin...when i waz in e relationship..also it waz so freakin hard 4 me...even a break up is so hard..i feel like goin to a corner n burst out in tears...im very sorri 2 all my frenz in sch 4 not participating in e grp discussions..im very sorry esther, sandy n sid...thnks u guyz 4 alwayz being ther 4 me..

I juz hope I get thru this very soon...im feelin so fuecked up n i juz wish everything will end...
The last thing I want now is people tellin me 2 patch back w him...i realli cant take it anymore...plz juz stop askin me 2 patch back w him...i wun do tt...

I dont want to anymore...

I realli dun love u anymore...

2005-07-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

im feelin fucked up right nw..i didnt expect this 2 happen 2 me...i tot our love waz so strong...
Ur just freakin selfish n very mean! all u think of is urself...n i hate it...quit doing this 2 me...ive tried talkin 2 u so many times...but it wont help...i guess the onli thing let 4 me to do is 2 break up w u...i realli dun love u anymore...4 all u haf done...u've made my life worse than how it waz b4 u came into it...u juz hopes tt u wud make it beta...but hey!! u made it worse..

- u dun appreciate me anymore..
- u dun understand me anymore..
- u neva listen 2 wat ive gotta say anymore..
- u haf neva once said sorry 4 the things u haf done wrong..
- u dun care abt me as much as u used 2 anymore..
- u treat me like crap..
- u ignore my feelings..
- u dunt realise e importance of me tellin u stuff anymore..

WTF??....I juz need u to get out of my freakin life...Dun eva bother me again...n YES-- I DO NOT LOVE U ANYMORE...AND IM NOT SORRY FOR SAYING TT...

feel confused..

2005-07-02T19:12:00.000+08:00

Hey, I miss DJ^AS... If you guys out there r unsure of wat tt means, itz actually (Dee Joel, Ash n Sandy)..well, juz felt liek blogging..so here I am..
Thanks to all of my frenz, who haf been by my side...thank u all so much..Ive been so depressed and sorrie if ive been moody in class at times.
All I want to tell u--(u guyz noe whu Im talkin abt)--plz leave me alone...we've talked after so long..n u juz pretend everything's alrite...I told u how i felt...so isnt ther any response>?? any comment>??...Y do u keep doing this 2 me...y do u keep pretending nothing's wrong..
Ive let out how I felt...and u made me so upset over the phone...I cried on the phone with u knowing n u didnt say anything at all to make me feel beta...all u juz did waz made me more n more hurt...!!!! Dunt u freakin realise how hurt i waz...If i told u all those stuff u said 2 me...u'll prob hang up e phone...but i didnt...Any idea y I didnt do tt ?? Itz coz Im not like u!!! I dislike doing things tt hurt people...n haf I eva not consoled u when u were upset ?? For goodness sake..I waz fuckin crying..haf any idea how hurt I was???
Guess the reason y u didnt understand how hurt I was...waz coz u dun understand me anymore...n thnks a lot 4 makin me cry even more when u noe i waz tearing..F U!!
Despite u doing all these...i still haf no idea y im freakin holding on to u..i guess im probably nutz 2 do tt...itz so hard 4 me to tell u how I feel at times coz u get angry n start shouting at me...U sweared upon my head U'll neva scream or shout at me...U broke it...
I dunno wat else 2 say to u...if i haf eva done anythin wrong...plz 4gif me...tho im not alone...i feel so alone...

Stop Falling -Pink

2005-07-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

Jun 29 2005

2005-06-29T13:52:00.000+08:00

Jun 29 2005

hey evry1, im so bored in sch. Well, Im just basically bored to the max and sorri Joel (used your word) ...sorri to my grp members, -- Dee, Chan, Samuel and Yong Quen for pushing you guys hard to do the presentation thingie.. Thanks a lot for understanding...sowwie again..

Doing communications thing today, based on last weeks work and I just realised that the questions we did on our previous presentation sucked!! *lol* Just realised it..haha..We kept askin the fac to allow us to change questions and all..haha..Today's lesson is extremely boring..Boring..boring boring..( Fac told us that in e morning haha)...I agree w u Cedric Tan-- lesson is extremely boring..not ur fault anyway..

Yesterday waz fun in class...haha..poor Joel..me n Sandy kept bullying him..the best part..haha

Hey, and also the baby thingie..haha..we concluded that the baby in our problem statement was not murdered..hahaz..So sad dee neva come sch yesterday...YAY..but shez in sch today..haha...beside me..hahaha

Had communication UT in e mornin..n i think ill fair it...im starting to dislike this module coz I find it quite boring..I have no idea y...dun blame my fac tho...lets c how enterprise skills go tom...

Ash---signing out 4 now...will prob b back laterz...

27th Jun 2005

2005-06-27T16:14:00.000+08:00

27th Jun 2005

Yay!! Im so glad to b back in sch!!! YAY..haha
missed all my frenz..well sch waz kinda fun today...we went nuts...had computing today n me, sandy, joel n dee went nuts,...actually more of me n sandy who went nuts..
Im SOOOOO glad 2 b back in sch again....itz so fun..itz super cool...hahahz...

23 Jun 2005

2005-06-23T22:45:00.000+08:00

23 Jun 2005

hey peeps..been very very very bored at home...
juz wish i can go out very soon..miss all my fren--amz, taba, pdm, mohini...haiz..
miss havin fun...not even sure whether i can go stereonation bhangra nite this sat...i realli wanna go...wish i can go..haiz..n got scolded n all yesterdae...
anywaez.."Countin everyday tt goes by...every tear tt i cry..."
Love tt line...
im signin off...take care peeps...miss all of my frenz out there...

22nd June 2005

2005-06-22T21:35:00.000+08:00

22 June 2005

Hey every1, been at home the whole day except to collect my hp..i juz love e song in my blog so much...itz juz so nice...i miss my frenz a lot...i realli wan sch to start veri soon...
Things kind of r confusing at this stage of my life---my guy..haiz..i juz hope things will turn out 2 b beta..hez 2 sensitive...he sayz he trusts me...but i dunno...i felt so happy a few dayz ago...but im realli hurt n upset now..i juz hope things will turn out 2 b beta...i feel so upset...
I juz hope things will turn out 2 b beta...

Jun 16 2005

2005-06-16T21:42:00.000+08:00

Jun 16 2005

Hey every1, i had a great day today..
It waz Mohini's bdae n we all went parklane then went marches...i like the food at marches..it was so good to be hanging out w my frenz,
After tt we went orchard, slacked ther n then watched this korean movie called ghost train..it waz scary,..amz n me got scared...haha
but kinda cool day i had...simple n i enjoyed myself...hehe

2005-06-15T18:49:00.000+08:00

Jun 15 2005

Hey peeps...todayz been a long day...
Been helping my mom cooking and all...goin my grand uncle's place 4 dinner..haiz..
Well, tired...listenin to the song goin crazy by natalie...n juz love it so much..quite meaningful too...
Had netball trainin yesterday, quite fun..haha
Drizzling and all..Haha
Anywaez, me gonna sign off now..till laterz..cyaz

2005-06-13T21:43:00.000+08:00

Jun 13 2005

Hey, today I had a great time at school...went with dee at the ndp course thingie..we were disturbin our fac haha...he wore pink today so we kept sayin so pink all haha..but our fac nice la..he wont scold..
Guess wad?? We learnt sign language today!!! haha...i learnt how to say KPO haha...so cool...Haiz..joel n sandy not in our shift..nvm..haha..me n dee went crazy in the mornin..so fun haha..
Anywaez..waz glad to go back to sch today since neva been sch 4 so long...glad i waz back in e sch environment thingie again..cant wait 4 sch to start tho...haiz..until laterz...cya peeps

Life~~~

2005-06-05T10:11:00.000+08:00

Jun 4 2005
hey...stressed n sad..sch hols alreadi started but dun feel it....will blog again tomz....dun feel like it now....feel so saD...my life is in a mess now...huge mess...

~ash~

2005-06-04T03:17:00.000+08:00

Jun 3 2005
Long time neva blog..tired n stressed out e past few dayz...things has been gettin realli bad..things has been all over the place 4 me...irritatin stuff...frm my dad..until those hospital stuff...(dun wanna talk abt it...ill juz go on n on..coz it hurtz so much)...ive been in a complete mess...every single thing. Im in class now, alwayz glad to come to class...was a little sad and quiet in class...thatz all...thankz to all my wonderful classmates---D,Joel,Sandy...muackz..love u guyz a lot..seriously...DJ^AS!!!! tt cheered me up...Our DJ^AS thin damn funny btw...itz realli cool...anywaez...doin basic science now...some dissipating thin,..gonna figure it out...Hope tom will be a beta day...Last day of sch today...3 weeks of break!!! YAY!!.....

CrazyDay!

2005-05-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

May 25 2005
Its 11 plus now and have no idea what Im up to....neva blog 4 so looong!!!!Im so bored tired..had netball today...fun..haha..but fell...bruised my knees...bleed a bit...pain!! Anywaez...tom got UT!!!!!!!!!! Computing...yikes!Well, I have been in a weird mood for the past few days..Kian Wai--so sorry...was a bad girl today to him..but he was so sweet..kept cheerin me up..thanks a lot...muackz...Im so glad that my frenz r so so so caring...Thank u so much--dee, joel, amz, shaz, amar...muackz,,,thank u so much,,,love u guyz..muaaackz...School's realli fun, no doubt about it, love going to school to meet my frenz....

19th May....

2005-05-20T14:43:00.000+08:00

May 19 2005
hey!!! had so much of fun w my frenz today...realli cool..went mac in e mornin..played pool...skipped basic science--borin...physics--physics-physics---not my kinda thin...pool waz realli fun....

Life is what you want u dont expect from it

2005-05-17T04:53:00.000+08:00

May 16 2005
Well..just felt like blogging... ~Sometimes life just turns out to wat eva u dont expect from it. I've neva expected much from life anywae...alwayz danced to the different tunes of life,..never realli have danced to my music...haf no idea y i talkin about dancing and tunes...Im glad that school started today...its a Monday...can c my frenz n my classmates...

Bored...

2005-05-16T06:56:00.000+08:00

May 15 2005
so bored today...woke up early...cleaned my room..went 4 lunch w my grandparents...writin my blog frm their place.Like being w them. Having dinner here today..will be helping my grandma with some cooking..Cant wait to go to school tom..love being in my class...every1's weird there...but it's so fun..The end of the day I know that every1 will be with me...Just funny...veri weird...I cant wait to go to school tom..all the weird stuff we do in school...

RaInY DaE

2005-05-15T14:59:00.000+08:00

May 14 2005
haiz..itz raining heavily. I really wanted to go out. I woke up late coz was really tired last nite...Went for a bbq last nite...Well..it waz realli fun..haha...lotsa fun...went with Amz, Mel, n Amit...saw Bra n Amitab n Mohini ther...haha...fun fun..hehe...like hanging out w my frenz...we all went crazy la

I Cant Stand You!!

2005-05-13T23:18:00.000+08:00

May 13 2005
I cant stand to look at you,you lied,you lied about love,you f**** dogg
i hate you,i hate people who destroy lives,destroy young teenage minds,hurt them so bad inside,make them never have pride,your right,you should be locked up,but you are wrong,we dont destroy your mind,i cant believe i dumped him for you,you just cant stand to see someone happy,you want them to feel as sh**ty as you,you know its true,you want them misrible,just like you,i wish you were in a jail cell,i wish they would lock you up,and you never get bail,you think your somthin,where's your nice ride,its gone bi***,hope you die,i wish you would have died,the day i met you,you killed my heart,you killed my soul,you killed my pride,you killed everything inside,you killed courtney for a while,she's back again,and ready to kill,she's back picking up the pieces of her heart,she met BJ,he is awesome,he is someone i can say has respect,he knows love,and he does care,more than i can say for someone like you,he is someone sweet,someone true,now i know if i dont love again,whats true,you broke my heart in pieces,and said "boo hoo",b**** you is misrible,misrible as they get,yeah i could press statutory rape,and yeah i could clear my slate,but you lets see,i wanna see you suffer,suffer and struggle,have no water,no lights,i wanna see you on the street,and say "haha, b**** i was right",i want you to go away,outa my life,you have nuthin here,why would you stay,i wish i could sit here and say i care,but i never did care,after you disrespected me,my family,my friends,you dont need me,i wanna quit writing and end this here,but i cant,isnt that weird,i guess it wants me to speak my mind,and tell you how i feel....

Just thought you should know...

2005-05-13T17:18:00.000+08:00

May 13 2005
I thought I was happier with youBut really all you did was make me blueYou made me want to push you awayYou made me want to change myself in a bad way With you i felt like a bad personAnd now i see that that's not me deep withinYou were too weak for meThat's a factAll you did was put on an actWhen it ended you were hatefulBitter, two-faced, and ungratefulNow i'm living my lifeBeing who i want to beTrying to change myself for the betterBut also making sure i don't lose the real meYou see all i wanted from you was loveI thought you were giving me your whole heartBut it wasn't real, you weren't ready for meWhen push came to shoveYou didn't have the time, the energy, or the freedomBut i accepted it, because i loved youIn the end you blamed meand said i hurt youBut inside you knew that i was trueI wanted to be there for you and love you foreverBut somehow your thoughts were differentDifferent than the letterI see who you are nowAnd i know we weren't meant to beI wish it wouldn't have ended this wayBut that's life and that's okay with meI'll always love you becauseI know what we shared was realI just wish you would realizeThat a true love was revealedYou p*ssed it up and now we've moved onOur lives have changedAnd we don't have each otherWe're goneJust know that I'm not bitterIt only made me growI hope that you are happyI love youJust thought you should know
http://www.lovelandia.com/....

I'm about to give up...

2005-05-13T17:13:00.000+08:00

May 13 2005

I'm so sick of you pretending
that you don't need anyoneI say I'm here
You know I care
But still you pretend like
You don't need anyone there
You on the edge
Of breaking down
I try to make you
Tear down thos walls you've
Been hiding in
For several years
I'm sick of this
how you make
Me break down to tears
So I'm asking you
Won't you please
Get rid of those fears
That make you
Scared of what we could become
If only you let me help you
You'll realize how nice
Things can become
You'll never have a fear of breaking down
You'll never have a fear of get turned down
So please just give me a chance to
Know who you really
I promise
You will never have a fear
After I finish telling you I'm hear...
www.lovelandia.com

It just hurtz...

2005-05-13T17:07:00.000+08:00

May 13 2005
Math is not the answer to this part of my life.I add 1+1 and seem to end up with 1 every time.When we think we have someone, and we will never let go.Then comes complications, followed by “I just don’t know”.Confusion steps in, and then hurt takes a turn.And before you realize this? Here comes loneliness again...

Love Is..

2005-05-12T13:20:00.000+08:00

May 11 2005
Love is an understanding that is so complete that ;you feel as if you are a part of the other person;accepting the other person just the way they are;and not trying to change them to be something else;
Love is the source of unity...